I’m a Strong Man, Babe, I Don’t Need Doctors!

Hey, are you Jamie? So nice to meet you! So rare for people to look like their Tinder photos, right? 

Man, these drinks are taking forever. I’ll just hop behind the bar – I’m helping, they’re obviously slammed. 

Want to see me juggle three shakers? Watch th–Ouch, damn it!

Don’t worry about me, my head is totally fine. Strong guys don’t get concussions. What’s your name again? Jormie?

No, I don’t need a, what did you call it, “doctor?” It’s like my trainer says – no pain no grain. I mean, grain. 

***

Wow, it’s so nice out, love the picnic idea. Throwback to 2020!

What injury? Oh, that little head bump? Nah it doesn’t hurt. Actually, I can barely feel my head.

So you love cheddar cheese, right? I remembered that from our first date. See? Would a guy with head trauma remember your favorite cheese is gouda?

Anyway, like I said, I brought you this Brie and – damn bees, here, you can kill bees by throwing Brie at their hive, watch and lear–

Ouch! I’m fine, just a few stings. Swelling? You mean my swole tongue? I don’t need a doctor, I’m not allergic anymore, not since I started intermittent fasting.

Hey, I just came up with my pet name for you–I’m gonna call you “WebMD,” instead of Jirmly. 

***

6:55 pm: Back soon with the Thai food, babe! 

6:57 pm: Nah, I got it, I can make it in one trip. 

6:59 pm: Your apartment stairs are so steep, I’ll fix those, I took wood shop in high school, your landlord can Venmo me. In the meantime, gives me a chance to practice my Parkour. 😉

7:01 pm: FFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffgh

7:07 pm: So listen,, no doctors necessary, but could you bring out a paper towel and clean up some Panang curry and blood-red hot sauce on the stairs? I’d do it but you’re so much better at that stuff than me since your arms move in all directions and mine are acting so random thanks babe <3

***

Hey, Doctor Dave, so good to meet you! WebMD here has told me so much about your college antics together, totally platonic from what I hear, so we’re good. 

Whoa, firm handshake, you trying to alpha me with your “intact arm bones”?

Here, Doctor Dave, my babe whose name I remember because I don’t have a concussion loves doctors and thinks everything is a medical emergency. But I bet you get patients constantly with tiny injuries that are no big deal, right? Like here, punch me in the nose. I just did Nose Day at the gym, I did like thirty reps of nostril curls on each side, I can take it.

See? My nose is fine. No, it was always that shape, babe.  Dave, stop showing off with fancy terms like “complex nasal fracture.” 

***

I’m so glad we’re finally seeing this movie. Man, the Timothee Chalamet triplets look blurry as hell. 

But watch, I bet I can fit this whole box of Mike and Ikes in my mouth. They’re basically delicious little pills and I know how you love “healthcare.” 

3:04pm: hey babe! I just switched to text cuz it’s rude to talk during a movie, btw. Fi. Sorry, my fijgnres are still acting up cuz of the whoopsie on your weird stairs 

3:05pm: quick q: r u also not breathing? bc of this thrilling car chase and not your throat closing up and then getting a whoel box of mikenikes sutuck in it? 

3:06 pm: lol no i’m not chokin, r u?

***

Google: “berathing importnat for not dying orr nah, 300 puond bench”

***

Hey, boo! Get it? Cause I’m a ghost now, and also you’re my boo? All this time I thought YOU’D ghost ME! Don’t mind the Hellmouth, it barely hurts. 

Anyways, you look hot in that black dress. Hey, is that Dr. Dave with his arm around you?! Already on a date – and at my funeral?! What the hell? No pun intended.

So the doctor who examined my bod after I died said my “cause of death” was choking after shoving Mike n Ikes in my face at a weird angle because of the injury from our stair date and the broken nose from when Dr. Dave got jealous plus the candy not going down my closed throat after the bee stings and passing out cause of the head injury I got on our first date, or whatever? 

He said I could’ve avoided this by going to urgent care when I bumped my noggin, but I don’t buy it. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like it’s life or death!