Other Ways to Describe the Election Right Now Besides “A Real Nail-Biter”

A genuine teeth grinder

A definite stomach churner

A palpable zit erupter

A compulsive AP News refresher

An absolute “pace around your apartment in circles”

A rightful “bang your broom on the ceiling because your neighbor won’t stop pacing around their apartment in circles”

A sure nail polish peeler

A veritable nose picker

An actual need for more cheese

A serious gastrointestinal crisis

A frantic Pepto guzzler

A bona fide catalyst for cleaning out your closet just to feel like you have control over something

A true tear ducts burster

A certain blood pressure raiser (but possibly without any health insurance to manage it, results pending)

An undeniable “will-they-or-won’t-they” have a country tomorrow

A positive reminder to “breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth — no, slower than that, calm down, you’re going to hyperventilate”

An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing

An authentic democracy strainer

A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper

A suspenseful cliffhanger but that classic thing where the valley below the cliff is autocracy

A real sensitive spot where my nails used to be