“Suave” shouldn’t just be the lone brand name on your otherwise barren shower shelf; it should be the word that people use to describe you! You’re a modern man on the go. You’ve got a busy schedule. The products you buy, just like the exorbitant sum of money you drunkenly dumped into DogeCoin on a dare at a Super Bowl party this year, should always be passively working for you. Companies and their unrelenting marketing teams will insist that you need a bunch of different products for specific purposes, but you know from your intimate experiences with women that there’s always a one-size-fits-all solution that satisfies everyone. Plus, buying one big ol’ jug of combo shower-sauce that will last longer than your apartment’s lease cuts down on plastic waste so you can feel better about ripping through so many vape pods each week. Without further a-dude, here is our curated list of the 4 must-have combination products for men who value efficiency over fancy.
4-in-1 Lotion: Face, Body, Masturbation & Sandwich Spread
Finally, a moisturizer for every last inch of you. After all, you can’t be a well-oiled machine without proper lubrication. Lather yourself in this creamy mixture from head to head to toe for optimal results. But don’t stop there! This 4-in-1 lotion is made with raw egg yolks, so it works perfectly as a mayonnaise substitute when you’re hankering for a turkey sandwich. Miracle whip it out anytime, anywhere–just not within 500 feet of an elementary school, Chandler. That’ll get you on a worse list of offenders than your fantasy football roster. Burn!!
5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray
When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more. We recommend this all-purpose fragrance that will make your entire physical presence almost as offensive as Jackson is when he roasts you in the group chat. Fuck you, Jackson! Spray this scented solution in obscene and unwarranted quantities. Douse yourself in as much of the shit as possible, because chances are during your busy day, most of it will evaporate into the air folks around you are breathing. Spray it under your arms as a deodorant; not only will it keep you from sweating when you’re running to catch the bus, but the driver will smell you from two stops away, ensuring you won’t be left behind. Spray it all over your room, on everything you own and have ever owned. Go back to your childhood bedroom in your parents’ house and spray it all over that shit, too. While you’re there, run a load of laundry (we know you brought one, winner!) and toss a quarter cup of this Tide-stosterone into the washing machine so that it seeps into the fibers of all of your clothes permanently. When you’re done metaphorically shoving this scent down the throats of everyone who exists in your general vicinity, literally shove it down your own throat as a breath spray. It might taste a little rotten at first, but you remember your first Scotch whiskey neat with Pops in his study, don’t you? He’ll never love you until you love the pain. And maybe not even then.
6-in-1 Towel: Beach, Bath, Sex Blanket, Picnic Cloth, Sarong & Female Guest’s
Your magic carpet has arrived, Zaddy Aladdin. Use anytime you need to lay or get laid, to cover up or clean up. Keep it in your car at all times so you’re prepared for the .005% likely occasion that someone as desperate as you agrees to have sex in the backseat. Dazzle your Hinge date with a picnic in the park, complete with charcuterie and wine (Lunchables and Franzia for the first date; don’t shell out until they’ve proven themselves). Take it directly off the beach to your shower, as the leftover sand will exfoliate your skin while you dry off. Speaking of: try to wash this thing as little as possible so the material stays nice and sturdy. (You heard one of your exes say hair gets weaker if you wash it every day, so it’s gotta be the same for towels, right?) Wrap it around your waist to get the mail in the morning; there’s no better icebreaker with the new neighbors than showing them where your happy trail turns into full-on pubes! As if this towel didn’t have enough uses, it works perfectly as the towel you give your late-night guest after you were nice enough to let her shower at your place. Pro tip: if you shower together, make sure to dry yourself first and then offer it to her. Women love having the scent of your wet balls on them throughout their day. Makes them feel close to you.
3-in-1 E-Cigarette: Vape, Fog Machine & Real Cigarette Storage
Inhale and let the wicked headrush of this 5% nicotine vaporizer kick the shit out of your little noggin. Exhale and BOOM! You’re part of the roadie crew for any concert you’re attending (think “thin layer of fog coming in around Jack Black’s ankles”). This vape provides the thickest, most opaque cloud in its class; a powerful sidekick in your mission for discretion and privacy. Need to pick your nose on the train? Hide yourself with just one puff. Are your roommates constantly home in the morning when you have to walk out the questionable mating choice you brought home at last call the night before? Fog up the hallway as you escort her to the door so Jackson won’t see that she’s actually his little sister! Pod flavors come in Strawberry Kiwi, Toxic Menthol-inity, Yummy Tobacco That Totally Tastes Good And Not Like Carseat Ass, and Mango Lassi That Reminds You Of Your Wild Trip To Thailand Which You Already Brought Up Twice In This Conversation So You Didn’t Really Need The Reminder. But wait, there’s more! Just like all your college buddies who decided to settle down in lame-ass committed relationships after graduation, they’re hollow inside. Simply remove the pod to reveal the perfect storage space for an old-fashioned cancer stick for all those times a vape simply won’t cut it, e.g. when you get a brooding idea for a poem on a park bench or when someone outside of a diner challenges you to a rumble.
Ellen is a stand-up comedian who got her start in New York City and currently resides in Los Angeles. She is the creator and host of Abbot Kidding, the premier comedy show on Abbot Kinney Boulevard in Venice Beach, California. Also a writer and actor, Ellen can be seen at various venues across the country.