Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch

Starbucks announced on Thursday it will do next year what it promised to do two years ago — it will begin blocking pornography and illegal content on its free Wi-Fi networks in stores throughout the U.S. — NPR, 11/29/18

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Dear Starbucks,

When I first heard of your decision to ban pornographic content from your store’s free Wi-Fi, I was overjoyed. Starbucks is (and should always be) a safe space where anyone can enjoy a cup of coffee without having to witness smut on a stranger’s computer. But, unfortunately, after thinking about it for a few days, I’ve come to the sad conclusion that your latest change in policy fails to address one major, damning issue:

The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.

Far, far worse.

Let’s just consider the facts: while pornography undeniably has no place within our local coffee shops… I would argue that, for those same exact reasons, neither does my independent screenplay. Pornography is tasteless, crass, scandalous, poorly-scripted, graphic, inappropriate, and, at times, deeply sexist.

Meanwhile, the rambling, 200-page-long screenplay I’m currently writing at one of your many downtown Chicago locations has all of these exact same flaws. As well as many (many) other deeply-problematic elements, including, but not limited to: typos, cliches, redundancy, hamfisted imagery, metaphors, repeated references to The Great Gatsby, not one, but two omniscient narrators, as well as an extensive, two-scene-long monologue about how the power of visual art is the only thing that can truly mend politics.

Seriously Starbucks, if you’re banning pornography, then why would you EVER allow me to write my screenplay (tentatively titled “I Need Love Like god Needs a Capital ‘G’”) in any one of your stores?

In broad daylight?

For all of the world to see?

It boggles the mind.

Even more importantly, I question whether this decision will actually even make people feel more comfortable within your stores? Sure, by prohibiting pornography, you are also, effectively, banning the kind of deviants who would willingly watch smut in a public area.

By outlawing porn, you are outlawing perverts.

But answer me this, Starbucks… what actually makes people feel more uncomfortable: the kind of guy who would intentionally use public Wi-Fi to look at smut? Or me–an unshaven, twitchy manchild wearing a stained sweatshirt and pre-ripped chinos, who ogles his screenplay with the intensity of first-rate voyeur, and whispers statements like “no, no, she wouldn’t say something like that” under his breath in an ominous monotone?

Seriously Starbucks, which of these two people makes your establishment a less-enjoyable place to visit?

Which of these two people is a greater threat to the overall well-being of your company?

Which of these two people does not deserve to be allowed in public?

Dear Starbucks, I recognize that, by banning adult content, you are attempting to make your stores a safer and more-welcoming place. But, as an informed (and culpable) insider, I must warn you that this decision clearly fails to address one major issue… Namely, that if I am allowed to continue writing my screenplay in public, it will continue to make your stores a far-worse place than smut ever could.

And, considering how much time I spend in Starbucks, is that a future that either of us wants?