The Norman Conquest
Mount your lover and proceed to ravish them, speaking only in French. Afterward, record their feudal obligations in a large book.
The Kyoto Protocol
Having tacitly agreed to expend as little energy as possible, you and your partner begin with promising but constricting foreplay. Withdraw before things get too hot.
The Warsaw Pact
You’re going to need at least seven people, and whatever they do has to be shared equally, in the name of Friendship, Cooperation, and Mutual Assistance. Meanwhile, your lover stands in the center of the room with a hammer, a sickle, and a stern look of approval.
The Gulf of Tonkin Incident
Blindfold one another. You and your partner must each lie on your side facing the same direction with the soles of your feet touching. One pair of feet should be grounded, the other high in the air. One of you torpedoes the other. Do not formally declare that anything happened, and don’t bring it up again for forty years.
The Teapot Dome Scandal
Accept money from your lover, then cover them in oil. Put your handle where their spout is, tip them over, and tamper with their jury until one of you winds up in prison.
The Bay of Pigs Invasion
The woman positions a chorizo Cubano in such a way as to provoke the man to perform a Sneaky Castro. As American citizens, you are officially not involved.
The Comstock Lode
An hour before lovemaking, consume a food high in metals, like fish or brown rice. Mount your lover. Upon reaching climax, scream “Bonanza!”
The Cadaver Synod
Currently illegal in all 50 states. Pleas see the Dark Web.
The Old Public Functionary
As you mount your partner, tease them with the knowledge that though they have no right to use the safety word, you do not have the authority to punish them if they do.
Dismount your lover. Send in your place a delegation of old women, armed with diapers, six of them, to clout your lover twice and then thrice, and pin the diapers on your lover’s posterior with a wooden skewer.
The Geneva Convention
Before engaging in coitus, sign a contract with your lover detailing what is and is not allowed. Seal it in wax. Now take that hot wax and make a red plus sign across your lover’s back. If this violates the contract, discreetly discuss it with your lover.
The Columbian Exchange
You and your partner sit with your legs across one another’s legs. One of you holds a fruit or vegetable, the other an STD. Preferably a maritime act.
The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere
When the date is April 18th, mount your lover and insert your lantern into their belfry. In other words, put the Longfellow into the Wadsworth. Then, with stealthy tread, slowly row her to Charleston shore. I mean, hard enough to startle the pigeons. Kindle the land aflame with your heat. Upon climax, announce “The British are coming!”
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Caleb Coy is a freelance ghost writer living in Virginia. He has been published in journals like The Common, Mystery Tribune, and Hippocampus. He once wrote for Cards Against Humanity. Caleb is the author of the 2015 novel you never heard of, An Authentic Derivative.