Little Orville

Hi Kacie!

Thank you for babysitting little Orville while my husband and I are away this weekend. I think the two of you will really hit it off (he loves blondes).

Please pick up Orville at Tiny Tots on Friday after your field hockey practice. (Address and car keys are on the kitchen counter.) Orville’s car seat is in the back. He knows how to get out of it, but my husband installed a divider between the front and back seats, like what you might see in a police car, and so far so good. The rear door handles have been removed (also like in a police car), so Orville can no longer make a break at stoplights. No matter what he tells you, do not let him sit in the front seat. Also, please don’t let him drive, even for “just a few blocks” or “a couple laps around the mall parking lot.”

Stop for dinner on the way home (meal money is on my desk). He likes Burger Barn and is collecting their Super Meal action figures. So far he has Cowpoke, Saloon Keeper, and Sheriff. He needs Hangman and Madam. If he gets Drunkard, please exchange it, as I think it sets a bad example for children (also, my husband is a drunkard).

Orville will need a bath when you get home. It’s amazing how dirty he gets from playing at daycare and riding the pigs at Burger Barn. Be careful when getting him undressed because he can get kind of “handsy” with sitters (especially blondes). You can distract him with one of his toys like Wally the Walrus (in kiddie pool in spare bedroom). Orville likes the water warm enough to poach an egg but Wally needs it cool as the ocean where we found him. They’ll have to work out a compromise.

Orville has a rare skin condition (for humans, but not for reptiles) known as crocoditis, which irritates the scales on his back. You can use the Brillo pad to give him a good scrubbing. (You can also use it on Wally’s tusks.)When you’re finished, please return Wally to his pool and feed him a pail of mollusks (in fridge).

The combination of a Burger Barn Super Meal and water flowing up into his anus has a laxative effect on Orville, so you’ll need to get him to the potty before he explodes into the tub.  There’s a horse racing form next to the commode that he can page through while he evacuates whatever is remaining in his bowels. He has not mastered wiping and may need some assistance (sponge and oven mitt are below bathroom sink).

Orville will then watch TV in the den. He likes Westerns (as you could probably tell from all the “hootin’ and a hollerin’” he did at Burger Barn) and might want to chew on a cigar like his hero (and former mayor of Carmel, California) Clint Eastwood did in “A Fistful of Dollars.” For Orville, the cigar acts as a kind of pacifier and helps him unwind after a long afternoon at daycare.

Orville’s trainer will arrive at 8 PM and they’ll practice in the wrestling ring in the back yard. Orville (wrestling name Orville Twist) has a match coming up. His signature move (the Twist) is a tricky maneuver where he twists his opponent’s head one way and their torso the other way, all while shouting, “Let’s TWIST!” and the Chubby Checker record blaring.

Orville’s trainer, Scooter (wrestling name Scooter), will need your assistance getting his motorized wheelchair into the ring. Once he’s there, he will be fine unless Orville is able to heave him over the top rope. Scooter will leave after about an hour (earlier if he catches Orville using an illegal move, like striking him over the head with a metal folding chair).

If Orville works up a good sweat, or has some of Scooter’s blood on him, please spray him down with the garden hose. Do not set the nozzle to “full force.” When I did, I blew little Orville off the side of the garage.

Once Orville is toweled off and in his jammies, he’ll want a snack. He loves pineapples, and you don’t even have to cut them up for him. He’ll chew right through the skin. He eats everything but the crown, which he’ll place on top of his head after finishing and proclaim, “E hele kāuaville!” (Hawaiian for “Let’s party!”).

Storytime is next. He’s a beginning reader and we’re still on baby books. Currently we are reading “Rosemary’s Baby.” If he has trouble falling asleep after one or two chapters, you can give him another cigar. Once he’s asleep, gently remove the cigar and strap on his sleep apnea machine. Check on him again before you go to sleep to make sure he hasn’t pulled off the machine or snuck his girlfriend (wrestling name Little Lana) into the room.

There’s a slight chance we may extend our stay a bit (one to five years). Please look after little Orville and Wally (more mollusks in basement aquarium).

Thank you!

Abby Winchester (new, untraceable name to be determined)