What’s up, badass dudes and sexy chicks? I’m visionary blockbuster director Michael Bay. You probably know me from directing the Transformers series, or that one Netflix action movie with Ryan Reynolds. No, not that one. No, not that one either.
I’ve got a new movie coming out, called Ambulance. it’s about an ambulance that, uh… Well, I’m still a little hazy on the plot, but it drives real fast and a lot of things blow up. To celebrate the almost guaranteed billion-dollar box office, I figured I’d devote some of my creative genius to helping the people who really need it: history’s greatest authors.
Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville
First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
This one needs some work. I loved the bit where Raskolnikov kills the old lady. That was epic. But all this moping around afterwards? Jeez, it’s a little grim. Lean into what works. Maybe the old lady was part of an international old lady drug cartel. Then Raskolnikov has to travel all around Eastern Europe, killing old lady after old lady with his trusty battle axe. Let the punishment fit the crime!
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley
You ever seen the movie I, Frankenstein? Awesome sci-fi flick, where Aaron Eckhart plays a badass Frankenstein who has to protect the world from evil demons. You ask me, they nailed it right there. Better luck next time, Shells.
Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
A lot of people say the protagonist’s too whiney, but if you ask me, there’s no such thing. My number one note to Shia LaBeouf on the set of Transformers: Dark of the Moon was “Make it whinier!” I’ll tell you what, though. That scene with the sex worker could be a lot hotter. Nothing crazy! Keep it PG-13. But hey, no reason she can’t be leaning over a hotrod in an oiled up bikini. And while we’re at it, let’s make the dead brother a dead ex-girlfriend. Then we can get some great flashback scenes of her splashing around in the water with those ducks. Awesome.
Ulysses, by James Joyce
Love the way this guy writes! That last part, where the whole thing was just one big-ass run-on sentence with zero punctuation? That’s how I write my scripts! No notes!
Lolita, by Victor Nabokov
I’m worried the main character’s coming across as a bit of a creep. Maybe you should insert a moment where he pulls out a piece of paper and shows the audience that, actually, that type of relationship is totally legal according to a specific state bylaw. You know, like that scene in Transformers: Age of Extinction.
The Art of War, by Sun-Tzu
I’m a huge fan of the “Attacks with Fire” part! There’s definitely room for some product placement, though. See if you can work in a chapter where you encourage the reader to make their soldiers drink Yakult.
One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel García Márquez
This book was the most heartbreaking, inspiring, and thought-provoking work of art I have ever had the honour and privilege to behold. I’m not ashamed to admit I wept openly while reading this. This is so far beyond mere fiction. Márquez has found ways to capture unspoken truths of the human experience and present them in words that flow like beautiful music.
Add in some tits and explosions, and we’re good to go!