Mrs. Claus’ Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Hot cocoa and Facetime chat with the Easter Bunny’s wife and the Tooth Fairy’s partner.

Hide Santa’s Cialis (find a better hiding place than last year!!).

Fertilize Santa’s marijuana crop with more of Rudolph’s magical droppings. That weed gets you sooooooo fucked up!

Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best.

Return the Cartel’s phone call, re the possibility of replacing drug mules with drug reindeer.

Out with the old, in with the new! Do a full detox cleanse using the tried and true eggnog enema.

In accordance with the North Pole’s Green Initiative, fashion old IUDs into Christmas tree ornaments.

Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices.

Girls’ Night In! Wine, a bubbling hot-tub, and binging episodes of Sex In The Village! Invite a few of the elves’ girlfriends, as you can fit more of them into the hot-tub.

Finally order a pizza that isn’t gluten-fucking-free.