Music Moments from the Year 2044
When the Colorado brewery goes “politically correct” by donating .5 percent of that year’s proceeds to public library renovations in underserved communities, Kid Rock burp-bellows proudly, “Fuck that shit.” He then lines up dozens of Coors Light cans—which he says he definitely did not buy just for this—and runs them over in his diesel-powered mobility scooter. The 160 beat-per-minute crunches form the backbone of his new song, “Read My (White) Fist,” ft. Tucker Carlson.
February 6: Classic Rock Station Finally Goes 24 Hours Without Playing “Back in Black”
After an impressive six-decade run on classic rock stations nationwide, a moment that no one thought would come finally does: AC/DC’s biggest hit is daringly omitted from the airwaves for one day. The person responsible for it, WNCX Cleveland disc jockey Cal Friede, is promptly taken out back by station executives and shot in the leg. But his cause is just, and he stands by his choice to instead play The Who’s “Substitute.” Friede quits and takes a more lucrative gig at 101.3 The Move, Chicago’s Classic EDM.
March 10: First Artists Inducted into The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s Hall of Fame
Having built out the original hall all the way to the end of a dock on Lake Erie by 2039, the museum’s board of directors constructs a second, more exclusive hall right on top of it. Chuck Berry, Elvis and everyone else in the inaugural class of 1986 are inducted. Meanwhile, this year’s inductees in the original hall include Lil Wayne, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Dwayne Wade.
June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe’s Golden Record
Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia’s few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter’s storm for one year.
August 17: “Woodstock 75” Performers Get Outdrank by Spry Keith Richards
Yep, he’s still got it. The centenarian rocker concludes another memorable set with an unrivaled consumption of liquor, putting to shame the likes of Action Bronson and Creedence Clearwater Revisited Revival. Making his feat that much more impressive, Richards doesn’t even partake in the suspended animation craze of 2031, which finds an eager participant in Mick Jagger. Before exiting the stage triumphantly, Richards speaks with an eye to the future: “You best be ready for me in ’69, Justin Bieber, Jr.”
September 4: Trans-Siberian Orchestra Disbands Due to Melted Permafrost
In a first, global warming forces the end of a band, whose members become depressed in light of the news coming out of northern Russia: their namesake railroad is impassable in sections, and is no longer considered the world’s longest. The group’s final show includes neo-classical renditions of “Hot in Herre,” “Hot Hot Hot,” and Weezer’s 2040 single, “Unfun – The Nobody Wears Sweaters Anymore Song.” Meanwhile, rising sea levels threaten numerous Beach Boys tribute groups.
October 30: YouTuber Reacts to YouTuber Reacting to YouTuber Reacting to YouTuber Listening to “Pumped Up Kicks”
Jam band mandolin player Mike Stevens creates the internet’s first known music reaction video four layers removed from its primary source material by sharing his thoughts on what a thrash metal bassist has to say about an 81-year-old Marine’s response to a blind Miami DJ’s opinion on the 2010 pop single. Stevens’ video causes a six-month glitch where YouTube accounts with more than 1 million followers can’t upload. The Great Clout Famine of 2045 ensues.
November 8: Taylor Swift’s Octuple Platinum “Vote, Sweeties” Ensures Landslide Reelection
President Swift’s campaign is seldom in trouble, with her biggest approval rating dip occurring after her split from EPA chief John Mayer. But her acclaimed single the following week removes all doubts about her chances against the GOP’s first female presidential nominee, Florida Sen. Ivanka Trump. Desperate, Trump releases a song of her own, a ballad featuring the Jan. 6 Part II Choir. It flops. Joyous Swifties begin deliberations on the target of their next curse. Kid Rock’s scooter seat gets extra sweaty.
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William Vaillancourt’s humor writing has appeared in Robot Butt, The Halfway Post and The Haven, among other places. Coincidentally, it has not appeared in other places as well.
