Hoping this memo finds you well.
Please know that recent public incidents involving malfunctioning human bodysuits have not gone unnoticed. We realize that crafting and fitting high quality human bodysuits is an ongoing challenge for our species, but we in upper management are becoming increasingly concerned about perceived laxity in your department.
Over-clipping of Zagnor’s claws in order to fit him into the Trump bodysuit seemed a minor error at the time, but look at the ongoing press about his small hands! Is this attention we really want? Small mistakes can have large consequences.
And what is going on with Bill Barr’s facial unit? The prototype we were shown had a full range of mobility and expression. The unit in the field now has become the target of ridicule and given rise to unwelcome notoriety through slurs like “Resting Bill Barr Face” and “Attorney General Grumpy Cat”.
And speaking of faces, the after-hours jokester who thought it was funny to doodle the face of Richard Nixon on the back of the Stone bodysuit has likewise brought unwanted attention to one of our operatives.
However, it is the recent leakage of saurian fluid from the head of operative Giuliani that is a bridge too far and has precipitated discussion of potential significant restructuring of your department.
Didn’t operative Giuliani’s recent costuming incident on camera in a major motion picture send up any red flags in your department? Why was he not recalled for repair after that incident? How is it possible that he avoided preventative maintenance to the point that precious reptilian squamata juice was oozing from his head??? There are apparently also reports that noxious gasses were leaking from his suit? Are you kidding me? What is going on down there in sub-level 16?
I am sure that I don’t have to remind you of the importance of our mission and the need for absolute secrecy. As you might expect, these high profile bodysuit malfunctions have turned quite a spotlight on your department and other previously overlooked issues are now coming to the fore, such as: 1) Do we no longer have anything other than blonde wigs for the female operatives? What happened to the creativity that went into operative Huckabee? 2) Is orange an actual human hair color? 3) Wasn’t the fly attractant and maggot infestation problem solved years ago?
I also assume that I don’t have to remind you that reptiles are cannibalistic when the need arises, so I strongly advise you to have concrete remediation plans to present to the Board in your upcoming departmental review meeting.
Best wishes to you and yours this holiday season from the Office of the Vice Chancellor.
Vince LiCata has published humor in the scientific journal Nature (yes, the same journal where Watson & Crick published the structure of DNA several decades earlier) as well as in McSweeneys, MonkeyBicycle, the Potomac, The Science Creative Quarterly, Fiction Southeast, plus a few and sundry other lovely places.