My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021

Invented a time-traveling buttock massager that took first place at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair .

Found a package of floss in a dead guy’s pocket, turned it into the Chili’s lost and found without a second thought.

Rather than paying for an expensive tattoo removal, simply purchased a new prosthetic arm.

Paid an Uber Eats driver seventy bucks to spit a loogie into Marjorie Taylor Greene’s salad from Wendy’s.

Taught myself to astral project, used this newfound ability to covertly discover the secret ingredients in peanut brittle.

Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.