Looming Threat of a Recession? Here’s 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!
Really milk the system, stick it to the man with these tips!
All You Can Eat Buffets
Now this is already a common practice. But, I suggest you take it to the extreme, taking “all you can eat” literally. See it as not only a test of will but of fortitude. By the time you leave, waiters should be disgusted with the amount of food you’ve consumed. Comments like “We’ve never had to ask anyone to leave before” will let you know you’ve gotten your money’s worth.
Household Goods Courtesy of the Deceased
Believe it or not retirement communities have shops, selling home goods and art from deceased members for really cheap. Who couldn’t use a pair of haunted gardening shears? Plus, the ghosts usually make for nice company when you’re too broke to go out. And, I’m sure that plastic covered sequenced couch will be in style again. Trends always come full circle.
Save on Toilet Paper by Sunning Your Genitals
I saw this on social media… Never knew it was popular. I’m assuming this has to do with going to the bathroom. I think you’re supposed to wipe your butt with leaves, shaking everything out before “sunning.” According to TikTok, absorbing vitamin D through your butthole is good for your health. And, after gorging yourself at the buffet you’ll definitely have explosive diarrhea. So, at the very least you’re helping the environment by not using toilet paper. (Disclaimer: do not do this in public or where children are present.)
Clothing Trends alla Gaga: Garbage Bag Chic
Google “Lady Gaga’s garbage bag dress,” and you’ll see why tabloids went gaga for this look in 2015. It costs less than a buck, it’s gender neutral, and allows for a nice breeze.
Furniture Finds Dumpster Diving
In every city there’s a swanky neighborhood where rich people toss furniture curbside. One man’s trash is another man’s armoire… You can sell the furniture on Facebook Marketplace or use it to furnish your home. (Pro tip: wear the garbage bag dress to rummage incognito.)
Make Showering Dates
What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!
Go to Bed When it Gets Dark
Save on electricity by passing out as soon as it’s dark out. Unplug all technology and sit in silence. Let your thoughts wander to all the ghosts now haunting your apartment by your retirement community finds. And pray that they are friendly ghosts.
Use a Landline
Cut your phone bill in half by using a landline. Now, you’ll have an excuse for not answering that pesky neighbor’s calls. You used his shower once six months ago and now he won’t stop inviting you to game night. “I wasn’t by the phone,” is the perfect excuse that never tires! You can use it for your parents, your boss… even the police when they call you with reports of complaints for Public Indecency after sunning your genitals.
I hope these tips and tricks were enlightening. Stay nifty out there!
Noel Leon is an author, standup comedian, and sketch comic in Season 2 of Sherman’s Showcase on Hulu. She wrote book of hilarious short stories called A Very Inappropriate Short Story Book and is a columnist for the Westside Current.