New Apps for People Who Suffer From Time Mismanagement, Which Other People Shouldn’t Find So Problematic

Apologize Now – Are the apologies you give for your constant lateness feeling a little stale? Apologize Now is an on-demand apology service that will send you a custom apology for your delayed arrival, and even feed the apology though your bluetooth Airbuds, making sure you get the line right every time.  The apology is guaranteed to sound more sincere than the fake apologies you typically make up on the spot, or your money back.

iAccident – Need a more concrete excuse as to why you were late? If the sympathy of your friends and family in reaction to the lies you tell them about your tardiness is wearing thin, iAccident can help.  iAccident will send an erratic driver who will get you into a minor fender bender, creating solid proof in regards to your lateness in the form of giant dents and scratches. The app gains you the empathy you need instead of the looks of disgust you feel you don’t deserve.

Breezr – Want to slip into any social event undetected and avoid the whole apology scene in the first place? Breezr will play wind noises on your friend’s phones so you can breeze in without a care in the world, which is how you really feel anyway.

Stand-In –  Friends always flying off the handle when they they couldn’t snag a table at a restaurant or get into a popular live entertainment event due to your slightly deferred arrival, which your friends should be understanding of even if it destroys their plans? This app dispatches a person to stand in line with your friend so they can get the table or ticket they wanted like the wittle selfish baby they are.

Time Detective – Think someone has committed the crime of telling you the wrong time for an event, so that you show up “on time”? Time Detective is a lie-detector service that can weed out the toxic people in your life who try to control your arrival wills.

GoDo – Ever wish the friends who are waiting for you at a pre-determined location would occupy themselves and stop being so damn impatient? With GoDo, now others no longer have the excuse of having “nothing to do but wait for you.”  GoDo will text a link of activities that your helpless friend can go do until your grand entrance, with suggestions broken down in minute or hour intervals. Sample activity suggestions include circling around a Walgreens while talking on the phone to someone else who isn’t you, or having coffee and scrolling Twitter until you’re close by.

Lateflix – Sick of lateness being made a mockery of in popular films and TV shows, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and you don’t understand why it’s often a plot point that leads to missed opportunities with careers and relationships?  With a subscription to Lateflix, you’ll gain access to over 1,000 hours of content where the main character arrives late to absolutely everything and it’s actually a positive thing.  With Lateflix, you can really lose yourself in the story and don’t have to face the reality of your behavior when you’re just trying to enjoy a relaxing night in.

ShopClock – Need a pick-me-up after the constant berating about your tardiness from everyone you know? ShopClock tracks all of your appointments and social events.  If you arrive to the given location after the given time, ShopClock will automatically purchase and ship you a present that you will enjoy.  If you can’t lead a joyful life by disrespecting everyone around you with your inability to attend an event at an appropriate time, this app helps you take the reigns to your happiness by showering you with self-rewards.

Phonester – Do your shortcomings when it comes to timeliness cause you to wish you just never had to talk to anyone again and explain why you do the things you do to the people you care about, with conversations becoming a much bigger issue than just your lateness?  The free Phonester app uses GPS to pinpoint your location, and then a criminal will steal your phone.  You won’t have to talk to anyone or show up anywhere for at least a few days, bringing the sweet feeling of relief from even the thought of having to do an ounce of work to repair your relationships that have been damaged due to your time mismanagement.

Timedr – Want to warp time? Timedr creates a wormhole.  Enter the wormhole and you’re on time, and everyone else is not.  Time becomes an illusion by which you cannot be held accountable for.