Why You’re Not Invited to Parties Anymore

That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other guests.

Your insistence that if the invitation doesn’t specify that pants must be worn, then how are you supposed to know to wear pants?

Out of consideration for the neighbors, if the party goes past ten you leave and then call the police.

Your favorite party game?   Bobbing For Queso.

You hold it in all day, waiting for the party so that you don’t have to use up your own toilet paper.

You still think it’s funny to insist that you thought BYOB meant “Bring Your Own Boner”.

Your habit of wearing reverse-cleavage shirts in order to proudly display the shingles patches on your back.

The Three Bean Medley that you bring to every party is consistently filled to the brim with brown recluse spiders.

You stand at the entrance of the host’s bathroom and change other partygoers five dollars per use.

That lock of your ex-girlfriend’s hair that you wear around your neck.

 You’re an a-hole.

by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence