New Requirements For Voter Registration Under The Trump Administration

1. Photo ID that can be linked to your Kroger Valued Customer card

2. Birth Certificate showing proof of birth in the US. If not born in the US, must be hot European model

3. NRA membership card (which is easily obtained in less time than it takes to order a Happy Meal at McDonald’s)

4. Documentation from Ancestry.com showing proof of lineage to pilgrims who arrived via the Mayflower

5. If female, must show one marriage certificate. If male, show as many marriage certificates as possible as long as it’s not same-sex.

6. Results from a saliva sample sent to the Himalayas to be analyzed by three Tibetan monks and a mountain goat **Please allow 12-14 months for results

7. Urine sample (No need to use a cup, just point and shoot)

8. Proof of US Citizenship. If not applicable, must provide proper documentation. Otherwise, get in line at port of entry according to last name: A-G: Alvarez – Gonzales.H-O: Hernandez – Ortega. P-Z: Perez – Zamora. Children’s home address must be clearly printed in Sharpie somewhere on their person.

9. Attorney’s phone number (as long as he does not own a recording device)

10. If organ donor on driver’s license, under NO circumstances may organs be offered to Ruth Bader Ginsberg