The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That
First off, I want it on record that I would never ever think of eating a person. The thought of it is absolutely abhorrent to me. I think often of the Donner party and what they went through and I can’t fathom the stresses they must have been suffering to have made the choice to feast on their brethren. Our cultures, social mores, and biological need for survival all drive us away from this heinous act, and the knowledge that there are people in this world who have had to succumb to this most barbaric deed haunts my dreams.
There are, sometimes, situations beyond one’s control. Like the fact that this subway car has been sitting idle for twenty minutes.
Now, sure, that’s not that long in the grand scheme of things. In the 90’s I’d be two thirds of the way to having my pizza delivered to me. But around minute nineteen, I started to wonder, will I be here forever?
And if I am here forever, what are my options? In situations like these I harken back to my one semester in college as a sociology major and I remember, people panic easily. It’s simple science.
Now, odds are that the train will kick back into gear any moment now, but, and stay with me on this, what if it doesn’t?
Shouldn’t someone on this train have a plan? Now, I’m sure that between backpacks, purses, and strollers we have enough protein bars, mints, and gum to get us through the next half hour or so, but what of the time after that?
Should the needs of one individual outweigh my need not to be hungry for even a little bit?
It doesn’t seem fair.
Situations like this can force one’s hand. Now, more often than not situations like these don’t involve eating another person, but if it did, and I’m not saying it would, this is who I’d suggest we start with.
1) Man Eating A Burrito: This seems like the most obvious first choice. First, this man brought a burrito onto a train, which means he is definitely both very sad, and a menace to society. Who brings a burrito on a train? Anyone who has ever walked into a Chipotle knows the olfactory power of beans. This man’s choice to bring non-portable food to a portable situation has sealed his fate as the best first candidate for my human feast. Plus, he’ll probably taste like a burrito.
2) Old Woman Knitting: In emergency situations women, children, and the elderly usually go first, and I see no reason to deviate here. Judging by this woman’s huddled stature and claw like hands I would say she doesn’t have much time left anyway. Plus, having been raised during the beginning of the canned food boon she’s probably very well preserved.
3) Group Of Tourists Taking Selfies: Can you imagine anything more stately than dying in New York City while on vacation? Oh the stories their relatives will tell! “My Uncle Rob was visiting the Big Apple and he was eaten!” Eating this group of tourists will provide Thanksgivings upon Thanksgivings worth of anecdotes for their lucky families. It would almost be rude not to eat them.
4) Huffy Business Woman Staring At Her Phone And Sighing Loudly: Look lady, we’re all running late for something, but just because you’ve got a Prada bag doesn’t mean you’re not riding the same rat infested train as the rest of us. Honestly, I’d probably eat you if we weren’t stuck here. You’re not better than the rest of us.
5) Beat Boxing Man: Now, this one is further down on the list because what is life without the gift of music? If we ate this man first we’d lose the one element that was keeping us connected to our humanity. If the music were gone I’d hate to think what we would do. That being said, one can only handle so much snare drum sound being produced by a human mouth before wanting to eat someone.
6) Man Sleeping On Shoulder Of Stranger: Now obviously the guy he’s sleeping on has first dibs. But I’d think that he’d agree with me that his comatose acquaintance’s rudeness has earned him a spot on the list. If this man didn’t want to be eaten, he shouldn’t have let his guard down in the first place.
I must stress that I derive no enjoyment from the planning of, what seems at this point, my inevitable foray into human consumption. This list only exists to serve as a guide should the worst come to pass. That being said, I’m more thankful than ever for my mini sriracha bottle I keep in my purse.
Lauren Schwein is a comedy writer with words in Reductress, Clickhole, and The Belladonna Comedy. She aspires to either be the first woman on the moon or the one who destroys it. Follow her on Twitter, Medium, and Instagram @laurenschwein. For comedy services or to be mocked check out her website.