News Briefs

Tap Dancing For The Criminally Insane

SPOKANE , Washington – Doctors at the Spokane Home For The Criminally Insane are excited about a new mode of treatment that they feel can restore formerly insane patients to sanity.

Dr. Abraham Vyune (pronounced Vyoon), has come up with a technique using tap dancing as therapy on the most vicious, and violent criminals in order to help them change their ways.

Dr. Vyune says, “ Even the most ruthless, vicious, seemingly heartless criminal can enjoy a good round of tap dancing. It seems to be good for the soul.”

He began by working with Roland Bife, a man who killed and cannibalized his own parents because they wouldn’t give him change for a dollar that he needed to buy some chewing gum from a machine.

Bife said, “ I didn’t really want to kill them. I just wanted some gum, that’s all. I really love chewing gum.”

Within weeks, the good doctor had Bife dancing up a storm. At the end of two months, Bife danced in a solo performance for the other inmates to the tune “ The Good Ship Lollypop”.

He was such a hit, the doctor was overwhelmed with requests from other inmates, … mostly murderers and rapists, … who also wanted to learn to tap dance.

In explanation for why tap dancing could have such an effect on people who are supposed to be so mentally ill , Vyune explains, “ I can’t be sure, but it seems like the rhythmic sound of the tapping, and the vibration it sets off in the body affects their brain waves in a way that calms them down.”

“ The powerful connection of their feet hitting the floor so rapidly somehow also seems to ground them in reality.”

Of Bife’s performance, Vyune said, “ Bife could have been the next Bojangles if only he hadn’t eaten his parents.”

Bife feels he is now ready to go back out into society, and Vyune agrees, but others aren’t so sure.

Just last week, one of the other inmates said that after arguing with Bife “over a lousy pack of chewing gum,” Bife had snuck into his cell, and sprinkled him with seasoning while he was sleeping.