One Last Candidate to Add to the Ring

I sit before you today, a man humbled by a sense of duty to this great country. The most mediocre of white men, who absolutely cannot resist throwing my hat into the ring for president of the United States.

America, I should be your next president. I know I’m a little late but after that Iowa debacle I knew this country needed something entirely not new. You saw how well that new-fangled app worked! This country does not need new ideas. This country needs me.

I can be the bridge for our divided nation. I am the whitest, most heterosexual and most moderate man I know. In other words, I am entirely palatable and perpetually electable. Are women great? Sure! Are they electable? Oh goodness, no. Do I support people of color? You betcha! But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

I’m willing to do what it takes to bring about unity in this great country of ours, and what it takes is to be a spineless coward. And that’s me, America. Just look at my voting record! It’s so neutral you can’t even see it!

I would like to remind you that I am heterosexual. I’m not homophobic, but again, I am just very heterosexual.

I stand for one thing and one thing only, and that is the right to stand for absolutely nothing. Which is why my campaign slogan is: Stay Seated. Say it with me! Stay! Seated!

When I get dressed in the morning, I do not put my pants on just like you, which is to say one leg at a time. I jump in with both legs because I do not favor the left or the right when it comes to politics or limbs. This strategy for pants has caused me a few broken bones, but it’s worth it to me to be true to what I stand for, which is nothing.I pledge that I will Stay Seated, America.

My friends, I think you will agree that I am no Washington insider. My work experience consists almost exclusively of cleaning monkey enclosures at various zoos. But hey, at least I’m ready for all the excrement-slinging of Washington politics!

We need the human version of a Saltine in the white house. Well America, I was once mistaken for a Saltine while sitting next to a salad bar. I am the one you’ve been waiting for!

If chosen by you, the people, I will be the politician who asks, “Does everything have to be about politics?” I will shut down any and all meaningful discourse, and I will do so to resounding applause. Stay seated, America!

Let me tell you a story. One time I was offered a choice between two sandwiches. One sandwich was fresh, and one had been found under the seat in a hot car and looked more like a moldy rag soaked in bog water than a sandwich. The person offering was trying to be funny, but I took both of those sandwiches. And I ate both of those sandwiches, right in front of his smug little face. You know why? Because I believe that everything is just as good as another thing that’s like that thing but worse, whether we’re talking about sandwiches or political ideologies, and even if one of those things gives you a raging case of the trots for two weeks.

You know how politicians are always talking about “reaching across the aisle?” I live in that aisle! I am that aisle! I am the lightly-stained beige carpet of that aisle but with bones and lungs! Literally! I made this sweater vest out of the carpet from my grandmother’s old house! The color was called I am I refuse to choose a side, even when one of the sides is just an oozing pile of garbage. All revolting viewpoints deserve to be heard and I will not only hear them but tacitly support them by not speaking up. It is my not taking sides that is going to heal this country. I will stand for nothing! I will stay seated!

Electing someone who stands for something would be a huge pain in the ass, and I know pains in the ass, I’ve been bitten in the ass by a monkey!

With me as your commander in chief we will fulfill the American dream by maintaining the damaging myth of the American dream. We will stand for nothing! We will stay seated, America!