Diet Tips for Presidential Hopefuls

We’re body positive now, which means that I’m positive you need to make some body changes.

21 Voting Groups Now Vying for the Position Formerly Held By Soccer Moms 

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

My House has Been on Fire for the Past Four Years but I’m Still Undecided About Calling the Fire Department

Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad? 

One Last Candidate to Add to the Ring

But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

Flies the Democratic Candidates Are Dropping Like

Flies who could have been a great candidate and now everyone kind of regrets ignoring them.

CARTOON: The Winner

The results are finally in. Today's cartoon by Kim Warp.

CARTOON: Blooming Prospects

Both crave attention. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Scary Stories to Tell During an Election Cycle

Although from under his bridge he might tweet and offend / Don’t think for one second it won’t happen again. 

Everybody in This Country Needs to Chill Out and That's Why I'm Voting for Jimmy Buffett in 2020

Mahalo, friends. Does the current political climate have you…

This Turd In A Box Is Our Last Best Chance

Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.

‘105 Luftballons’ and 9 Other Rock ‘N Roll Recounts

With all the hullabaloo surrounding the recent recounts in Florida and Georgia, the following tunes were given a recount. The results tabulated as follows...

Meet Your New and Improved Elected Representatives!

Indicted for Campaign Corruption, Securities Fraud, Self-published Bigfoot Erotica and more fun from our elected officials!


When I was a kid, we couldn’t look up candidates on the internet. In fact, we didn’t even know who the candidates were, only that they all had gout. We used to just vote on whoever had least serious case of gout. That’s how Uncle Henry almost became Mayor in ’72. He wasn’t really my uncle. That was just a childhood nickname that stuck. Never did get to be mayor, though. Turned out he had a bad case of shrub pox that came on right before election day.

CARTOON: Super Choices

Election Day super cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

Weekly Humorist Voting Tips

Once you've voted, please don't then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?

I’m Typhon, Father Of All Monsters, And There’s More To Me Than Being A Reprehensible, Serpent Giant Who Wants To Burn The World To The Ground.

Many of you’ve probably seen my beautiful wife Echidna knocking on doors around town. Don’t be fooled by her half-reptilian body, she’s the warmest woman you'll ever meet. But maybe keep any babies or pets away from her mouth just to be safe.

CARTOON: Trick or Treat or Vote

Trick or Treat or Vote. Today's truly terrifying cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Voter Pledge Card for the Liberal Elite

Perfect candidate isn’t running, maybe don't toss out your vote!

The Stars of the 2016 Election: Where Are They Now?

If you remember back to what seems like 10 years ago, there were…