One Weird Day in the Trump White House

Author’s Note:

As your intrepid White House correspondent for Weekly Humorist, I have employed a variety of tactics to gain closer access than any other periodical to the Trump White House for you bastards. As a result we have given you the most accurate fly-on-the-wall coverage in American journalism. The techniques I have employed have toed the line between ethical and, you know, not that. Used to stay stealthy and camouflaged, there has been a variety of disguises and stolen uniforms, counterfeit credentials and fake identities. I’ll be honest, creating the back stories for phony diplomats such as textile heir Lord Basil Houndstooth Baskerville from Stratford-upon-Avon and Klaus Von Bratwurst Kummerspeck, a tech entrepreneur who hails from Feuchtwangen, Germany, has been fun. The accents are tricky, though. For story information I have stolen documents, tapped phones, hacked emails, bribed staffers, and seduced interns. Unprincipled and unscrupulous? Perhaps. But you got the straight dope, Chuckles. What follows is a little different than what we have brought you before. An hourly log of what I observed on one Friday in the Trump White House. One day. One really, really, long, weird day.  

Gabba gabba hey, bitches,

JW

 

 

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

~ Eagles, “Hotel California”

 

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House…

 

 

9:34 – President Donald J. Trump has been awake for almost five hours. That entire time he has been watching television on his three huge flatscreens in his bedroom that First Lady Melania doesn’t sleep in. There’s been a plethora of barely-literate Tweets sent out so far this morning. (Why was “Tremendous” and “Nuns” capitalized?) At this time Trump’s private nurse Gladys Hermann comes into the Residence bedroom to give the President his daily meds. It’s a complicated cocktail to treat a variety of ailments. The President takes every morning:

• Zestril and Lipitor for high blood pressure
• Warfarin and Eliquis for heart disease
• Valtrex for herpes
• Propecia for whatever the hell is happening with his hair
• A combo of penicillins for syphilis
• 3 Flinstones vitamins – the President prefers Barney, Dino, and the Great Gazoo
• Cialis for boners – Porn stars and hookers are demanding
• An entire three pack of Rolaids
• A juice glass of a custom blend of passionflower, kava-kava, wolf’s bane, valerian root, lemon balm, eye of newt, ashwagandha, ground bat’s wing, and lavender for treatment of “extreme fear of birds”
• All followed by the President’s morning “power shake” that is a blended mess of chocolate and sprinkled donuts, Lucky Charms, Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries, an Egg McMuffin, a Bacon, Egg and Cheese biscuit, two pancakes, Aunt Jemima maple syrup, and Diet Coke

11:02 – Trump is in the Oval Office, almost right on time for his daily schedule, the crack of 11:00 AM. Instead of the Daily Security Briefing, intelligence officers show Trump the last half hour of the film Zero Dark Thirty. “We should do this,” Trump says. “Very, very, great … whatever they did. I’d like to lead this for real. It would be fun.”

11:45 – As part of the White House’s new initiative to gather blackmail information on people Trump hates, Senior Policy Advisor Stephen Miller briefs the President and Chief of Staff John Kelly on two new folders of retrieved dirt. The first folder is on South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. Graham has one of the largest Build-A-Bear collections in Northern America. Nearly 300 custom-made teddy bears, all with individual names and personalities. Using a cheap disguise, Graham hits a Build-a-Bear store twice a week to create a new “Lucky Lindsey Fan Cub member.”

The second folder contains the scuttlebutt on Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Shockingly, before bed each night, Cruz puts on full circus clown regalia. Including a rainbow wig, whiteface makeup and a fake red smile. After an evening of 1980s slasher films and three plates of nachos (The previous night it was a doubleheader of Hack-O-Lantern and The Dorm That Dripped Blood, Cruz places his purple oversized clown shoes carefully by the bed each night like an old man does slippers. Still in clown outfit and makeup, he retires for the evening and cuddles with an old hatchet like it was one of Lindsey Graham’s Build-A-Bears.

12:10 – Executive Time. There’s a check in with Fox News and a Tweet about how Russia actually wanted Hillary Clinton to win the 2016 election. Three words are misspelled.

1:15 – In the Mural Room, Trump greets a group of women’s rights activists who are in the White House to meet with Ivanka to discuss getting microloans to women in third world countries so they can start small businesses. Trump matriculates to a former pinup model-turned-writer and activist named Juliette French who is eight and a half months pregnant. Miss French is an attractive woman and the President only speaks to her. Which might not have been that odd except Trump spent ten minutes of meaningless small talk while he creepily rubbed Miss French’s baby bump as she cringed and tried to squirm away. “Did you take a cab here, or an Uber?” he asks. More rubbing. “Did you watch Tucker Carlson last night? The whole show was about me. Did you know that?” Still more rubbing. It’s awful. It appeared that Miss French was winding up to deck Trump, but a Secret Service agent called out, “That’s a felony, ma’am!” Trump continues to rub the baby bump and says, “Have you seen McDonald’s is promoting the Big Mac again? That special sauce, that’s the good shit, they’re really talking about that special sauce. And there’s three options now, frankly, a lot of people don’t know that.” A little more rubbing.

1:35 – Lunch and Executive Time. Trump is heard screaming at Velshi & Ruhle on MSNBC. “You’re really hot, Stephanie, but you’re dead fucking wrong! My dick is so confused by you! I fixed the stock market, not Obama!”

For a crisp C-note and two tickets to when the Cleveland Cavaliers come to town to play the Washington Wizards, a Secret Service agent posted outside the room told me the President’s lunch consisted of two KFC Famous Bowls, six chocolate chip cookies, and three Diet Cokes.

2:13 – Don Jr. and Eric were visiting this afternoon. They were tuckered out after a couple phone calls and retired to a guest bedroom in the Residence to take a nap in their 24 karat gold coffins that double as hyperbaric chambers. All of the Trump children have a gold coffin to nap in except Tiffany. Tiffany has a camping cot from Cabela’s.

2:45 – Back in the Oval Office, Trump holds an Executive Order signing ceremony, reallocating Federal funds earmarked for climate change research to start an initiative to see if scientists can genetically alter dogs so they always stay puppies. It was a program requested and insisted upon by Ivanka. She’s a sharp political operative.

3:03 – Trump is trying out a new tailor after his previous tailor of 38 years died of what is suspected to be spontaneous human combustion. Native Scotsman Angus Macallan was taking his daily walk around the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool when tourists reported seeing a huge flash of light followed by a small fire. All that was left of Macallan was a pair of scorched wingtip brogue shoes, and his signature tam o’ shanter hat. The FBI X-Files office is investigating. Angus Macallan will be missed.

The potential new tailor is an Italian gentleman named Luciano Lancellotta that was hired because Trump felt he was “straight out of Central Casting.” Olive skin, slicked black hair, athletic build, he stands 6-foot-4 and is 42-years-old. The man looks like he could be in a double agent in a James Bond film.

3:07 – Tape measure in hand, Lancellotta suggests, “Mr. President, what if we go for a more updated look and try a suit that actually fits? Some beautiful Italian fabrics, and a cut that is more close-fitting, more stylish.”

3:21 – Back in the Oval, a fuming Trump holds an impromptu Executive Order ceremony reinstating hanging as a legal punitive punishment. The Order is simply a sheet of paper taken out of a printer that Trump wrote, “I CAN HANG PEOPLE NOW!” He then signed the document with a thick black marker, and held it up to John Kelly who took three photos with his iPhone. “Got it, Mr. President. Well done, sir. Totally legal.”

3:40 – A call is made to Corey Lewandowski, who these days waits in the Peet’s Coffee down the street from the White House hammering one espresso shot after another and hate-reading Mother Jones and Daily Kos. Seeing his services are requested from the White House, Lewandowski drops an espresso shot cup onto the floor, sprints to his Mercedes and speeds to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

4:01 – The West Wing staff gathered in the Cabinet Room so Trump can make the announcement that his gatekeeper secretary Kimmie Foltz is getting a raise. However, Foltz’s raise isn’t going to show up in her paycheck. The President announces, “Congratulations to Kimmie, she’s done a great job, she’s getting a huge, tremendous bonus, something we’re all going to like very much, she’s getting a boob job, folks. Great job, Kimmie. Enjoy those new cans.” Kimmie Foltz’s voluptuous new breasts will cost the American taxpayer $5,654 dollars.

4:15 – In that same meeting Trump requests that 100 bulls are slaughtered on the South Lawn in his honor. All of the bull meat is to be handed out to the homeless of Washington D.C. in the form of well-done steaks, complete with a side cup of ketchup. “It’s going to be an act of great, tremendous kindness,” Trump says. “And, frankly, a tribute to Trump, and how great I’m doing, uh, we’re doing.”

The West Wing staff is bewildered by the request until the President leaves the room and John Kelly says, “He caught some of Gladiator on TNT last night. He called just after midnight to say he got a great idea from this ‘Roman guy fighting movie.’”

4:33 – Corey Lewandowski screeches in at the North Portico. In the trunk of his Mercedes he carries a military-style drab green duffle bag. In that bag is his “fix-it kit.” In the kit are zip ties, duct tape, a variety of garrotes, boxcutters, five Microtech Halo and Ultratech automatic knives, a Gerber Gator Kukri machete, an interrogation package with various chemicals that can be injected to inflict extreme pain, two Glock 9mm handguns and ammo, two silencers, a sawed-off 20 gauge shotgun and a box of shells, and, twenty-five feet of thick rope with an already-made hangman’s noose on the end. Lewandowski pops the trunk, tosses his keys to a valet, grabs his “fix-it kit” duffle bag, and rushes into the White House.

4:40 – The first White House sighting of First Lady Melania in about a week. She has been hiding in a penthouse at the luxurious Hay-Adams Hotel on 16^th Street still binging Lifetime Christmas movies in February. Four Christmases and a Wedding is heavy in the rotation. “That Markie Post is so convincing.” Still reeling from the revelation the President paid adult actress Stormy Daniels $130 Gs to keep schtum about raw-doggin’ it while watching Shark Week just months after their son Barron was born, Melania is dressed in all black. A black veil is pulled over her sharp cheekbones. Trailing the First Lady is three Secret Service agents, followed by six officers in President Trump’s private security force, and Dog the Bounty Hunter. The reason for the added surveillance being, Melania is a flight risk and Trump is terrified she might bolt, head to Europe and go dark. If she runs, Dog has a camera crew on standby and Trump has agreed to be Executive Producer in an A&E series called, Chasing Melania With Dog the Bounty Hunter. Melania keeps her head down, doesn’t speak to anyone, ignores two reporters shouting questions, and disappears into the Residence to see her son Barron.

4:57 – Just after dusk, a rope with a noose on the end has been thrown over a thick branch of a tree in Lafayette Park. The noose is placed around the neck of the badly beaten Italian tailor Luciano Lancellotta. An ecstatic Lewandowski holds the other end of the rope and says, “Listen up, you Wop punk. Calling President Trump fat was a fatal mistake.”

“I didn’t call him fa-“

Too late. Lewandowski yanks the rope and pulls Lancellotta off the ground by his neck. You hear the CRACK of the tailor’s neck breaking, his legs kick a few times, he coughs and gurgles, then goes limp and expires. Urine runs down the leg of a $3,000 dollar suit and drips onto the ground.

5:20 – For President Donald Trump, working all the way until 5:20 is a double shift. That’s past the witching hour. Being Friday night, the staff suggested to Trump he host a movie night for morale. Show a classic film, have some popcorn and adult beverages, and cheer everyone up after another exhausting scandal-filled week.

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders suggested the President screen Mr. Smith Goes to Washington or Patton. If those films didn’t work for Trump, you can’t go wrong with Casablanca.

The movie theater is jam-packed with West Wing staffers. The room smells of popcorn and beer and is filled with laughter.

“Okay, okay, settle down,” Trump says. “Welcome to movie night at the White House. We have a real classic for you tonight. So let’s get right to it. Roll it!”

Instead of a “classic” film, Communications Director Hope Hicks has arranged something else. The opening refrain from The O’Jays song “For the Love of Money” blasts through the theater speakers. A highlight reel of The Apprentice begins. An hour and half of boardroom firing scenes starring Donald Trump.

At the top of the montage, is all three of Omarosa Manigault’s firings from the reality show. After the first “You’re fired” is uttered, from the front row of the theater the President of the United States bellows, “FUCK YOU, Omarosa!”

 

That’s what I, your intrepid White House correspondent,  observed on one Friday. One day. One really, really, long, weird day.

 

 Illustration by Mikey B. Martinez