Other TV Networks Follow Fox’s Lead and Debut Their Own Weather Channels
“Rupert Murdoch is preparing the debut of Fox Weather, a potentially powerful new player in a sphere long dominated by the Weather Channel.” –The New York Times
ESPN: We’re following Tropical Storm Duncan, a rookie out of the warm waters of the Caribbean. He lost some momentum last night, hitting cooler ocean waters as he moved into the Gulf Coast, but that doesn’t mean he can’t pick up some strength before the big showdown in Florida this weekend.
PBS Kids: It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood—if you live in the Pacific Northwest. If you live in Florida, the letter of the day is H… for a potentially devastating Hurricane.
PBS: The English word “hurricane” is derived from the Spanish “huracán,” a phonetic name for the Taíno deity of chaos. Take a seat as far away from your home’s exterior windows as possible, and let’s explore the fascinating mythology of the Caribbean islands.
Lifetime: July has been so kind to northern New England, finally getting the region to open up and trust again after their long and tumultuous ordeal with winter. But this Saturday, will the calm façade crack to show violent passions swirling underneath? Based on real predictions from real meteorologists, A Storm is Coming premieres this Saturday.
HBO: It’s going to be a scorcher today, which is why none of our weatherwomen are wearing shirts.
Showtime: It’s going to be a scorcher today, and our weatherwomen are sharing some steamy queer glances across the news desk.
Disney+: Ladies and gentlemen, you could have been anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re here with us in New York City. Are you ready for a record heat wave, huh? The issue on the table is a heat index of 103.
Hallmark: He’s a busy cold front who never had time to date. She’s a spontaneous mass of moist warm air who plays the ukulele and doesn’t believe in making plans. When they collide in the parking lot of a 7/11 in rural Kansas, will they fall madly in love or will there be a major tornado event?
Comedy Central: What’s the deal with a light drizzle? It’s not a downpour, it’s not clear skies. Make up your mind, Mother Nature. You’re more indecisive than my ex-wife. [Long pause for laughter].
Game Show Network: These five contestants have 45 seconds to guess the upcoming daily high temperatures in our nation’s major cities. If they get more answers correct than our celebrity contestants Steve Harvey, Pauly Shore, and whichever former member of NSYNC was free today, they win an all-inclusive trip to Key West. The twist? They’ll have to be our on-the-ground reporters for Tropical Storm Duncan.
E!: Kim Kardashian thinks it looks like it’s foggy, but maybe that’s just the frosted glass in the hallway of her mansion.
Fox: The rain is going to take your guns and turn your children gay.
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Rebecca Turkewitz is a writer and high school English teacher living in Portland, Maine. Her short stories, essays, and humor writing have appeared in The Masters Review, Chicago Quarterly Review, Catapult, The New Yorker’s Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and elsewhere.
