P. Diddy’s Tips for Throwing a Successful Freak Off

If it’s your first Freak Off, I do not recommend live streaming. Better to edit out all those “messy mishaps” and share it later on. 

No matter how much he begs – and he will, believe that shit – do not invite Kanye. Or Armie Hammer.

Have plenty of lubricants on hand. Hotel kitchen staff gets pissed off when you pilfer their Crisco.

If Donald Trump shows up, don’t brag about it on your social. He will deny ever having met you and will claim he has no idea what an “industrial strength enema bag” is.

There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.

There is no need to hire a balloon animal artist, no matter how much “fun” you think it will add to the festivities.

On the other hand, a caricaturist can provide some nifty one-of-a-kind party take-homes.

When providing snacks for those attending the freak off, please have plenty of scoopable chips for dipping. Some of these ladies are fairly young, so it’s either that or they’ll need to wear bibs.

Now that I’m thinking about it, probably best to not invite MC Hammer as well; don’t want his “Can’t Touch This” rhetoric influencing the ladies.

Don’t allow our female “guests” to claim that the rope burns on their wrists are from Taylor Swift fan friendship bracelets. We don’t want her coming after us too.

I was responsible for Biggie’s death. Oops. Delete that one please.

With the right crowd, a Ping-Pong tournament can prove to be unforgettable.

If things get way out of hand and you have to clear out the joint, have the DJ (yes, you’ll need one of those) put on the theme from “Gomer Pyle.” Or one of my records.

Nobody cares about dessert, but stock up on Reddi Whip anyway.

You can never have enough ice.