Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

Hey, y’all! Jill here back for another “Mommies on the Move” family blog! This blog is a must-read for all of you moms looking to get some ca-ute family holiday photos with Santa this year. Wondering which mall Santa is the best of the best within 20 miles of your wealthy suburb of Milwaukee? Jill’s got you covered! I already sat on all the mall Santa laps to find the best of the best. Here’s this year’s ranking:

 

#7: Fairwoods Mall: I traveled two hours to do a practice runthrough of this mall Santa because my girlfriend Tina told me the White Barn there had gotten the discontinued candle scents. But let me tell you, I was completely disappointed. Santa’s lap was cold and unwelcoming. He barely cracked a smile in our photo. Does he know my children are on the honor roll? If he saw my bumper sticker, he would know. And that’s something worth smiling about. 2/10 because a smizing Santa doesn’t do it for me. Not on my Christmas card! 2/10

 

#6: Washington Plaza Mall: Right from the moment I sat on ol St. Nick’s sweaty lap I could smell that something was afoot. I recognized that smell more than anyone, back in the days before I had little elves of my own. Yes, the smell of boozy eggnog straight from Santa’s mouth! Right from him whispering “what would you like for Christmas little lady?” seductively into my ear, I knew this mall Santa wasn’t appropriate for my kids. Besides, my perfect children aren’t allowed to drink the devil’s juice until they’re 56! 3/10

 

#5: Coal Town Mall: When I sat down on this mall’s Santa lap, I for some reason felt a sense of familiarity. I had a strange feeling that me and this Santa may have crossed paths. And then, out of his fake cotton beard he said “Hey Jill, it’s Doug.” Reader, Doug is my younger brother. I felt disgusted, not because of the almost incest, but that he sunk so low to put himself on display to let random strangers sit on his lap for money! He does not fully embody the spirit of a fat stranger flying down a chimney to give your children a gift. But if you need a time and location for your kids to meet their Uncle Doug, this is the place. 4/10

 

#4: Harold Park Mall: I didn’t even want to come this year because last year the lines were so crazy. And also because I was escorted out for throwing a tantrum when I wasn’t allowed to take a photo on my phone of the extremely overpriced $15 photo they took. Regardless, Harold Park’s resident Santa had a well-tamed beard, well-cared for sideburns, and his knees didn’t buckle when I sat my thicc, Pilates-toned, bubble butt down on his lap, so you know he could sustain the weight of both my children for the photo. The downside? This mall Santa does hand out gifts, but not all of them fall under our wooden-toy only rule. My advice is be cautious and bring your own family-approved gift ahead of time. 6/10 

 

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season. If you can get past the smell, not a bad lap to plop a kid on as long as you’re ready to finally explain to them that Rover, the family dog didn’t really go to a farm upstate. 7/10

 

#2: Jefferson City Mall: I’ll admit I haven’t let loose since I met my husband. You wouldn’t recognize me in my single days hanging out in the church lock-in. But when I popped a squat on this mall’s Santa muscly thighs, something unexpected happened. All of a sudden, he whipped out a wad of cash and started making it rain on me. I had no choice but to start throwing my ass in a circle on jolly St. Nick. Sure, it wasn’t the most mom-thing for me to do but plenty of parents covered their kids’ eyes during the whole thing, and I made $10! If you’ve started giving your children an allowance and are wanting to teach them about the value of a dollar, this place is for you. 8/10

 

#1: City Outlets Mall: Let’s just get straight to the lap talk. Moms, it was a bumpy ride. I’m not sure what dosage of Viagra this gentleman was on, but I did take down his number so we can chat later so we can get my hubby Gary hooked up. When it was all said and done, I’ll admit, I suddenly felt…calm. And…satisfied, I might say. Very much like the “Silent Night” themed cards I plan on ordering. Not at all how I usually am, and not at all how the Jill you all know and love acts……but anyway, 0/10 would not bring my kids here. But for all you Mommies on the Move who need alone time (and I always say this in my blogs!!), come here for sure. 10/10