It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to find your beloved aquatic friend lying face down in a cartoonishly large pile of cocaine. You turn him over and give him mouth to gill in an attempt to revive him, but it’s too late. This happens to goldfish owners all the time, and it will happen to you. But with a little help from us, you will hopefully see the signs before it’s too late.
1. He lives in a luxurious penthouse on Manhattan’s Upper East Side.
This, right away, should be a giant red flag, as goldfish normally reside in bowls or tanks, not penthouses.
2. His cellular telephone is extremely large and attached to a giant battery pack.
Take a look at your goldfish’s cellphone, notice anything unusual? If so, he may be using it to access cash in a company’s overfunded pension plan.
3. He has a borderline abusive relationship with his blonde trophy wife, Jill.
Pay attention to the way he treats Jill. Does he, upon being served a lovingly prepared meal, tell Jill things like, “You’re not as pretty as you used to be,” or, “Why don’t you lose some weight?” If so, he’s probably too overwhelmed with the guilt of being an accessory to a company’s downfall to keep sight of the things he once cared about.
4. He has been arrested for insider trading.
Another giant red flag. Most goldfish spend their time swimming in circles, not trading the public stock of a company they have access to the non-public information of.
5. He’s not a goldfish.
This one, if true, may be hard to accept. Take a look at your goldfish. A good, hard look. Is he actually a person? If so, set your person free. It is extremely cruel, and in many states, unlawful to keep a person as a pet.
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Randall Davis is a writer based in Los Angeles. He writes sketch at IO West and wrote for the 2015 CBS Diversity Showcase. One time he left a hamburger under his bed for five months. You can follow him on twitter @Vindieselfan69