President Trump’s Pre-Hearing Notes For Brett Kavanaugh

Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don’t say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.

Speak to the Senators as you would speak to the person maintaining your lawn (but in English, of course).

Try your best to not refer to any of the female Senators as “Baby”, “Sweet Cheeks”, or any similar variation.

It’s not something that I would do personally, as it wreaks havoc with the tanning spray on my face, but a fit of crying here and there might be a good way to go.

If possible, try not to be drunk during the hearing. A slight buzz is fine, of course.

They say that picturing everyone naked is a good way to calm oneself, but seeing as this is a sexual assault case, that may not be a good way to go.

I understand and sympathize with the notion of a good luck item on your person during times of stress, but am going to have to discourage you from wearing the Hello Kitty socks during your hearing.

Above all else, remember that I’ve chosen you. You’re on Team Trump now. Which means that you can get away with any morally reprehensible action that you like, with little or no repercussions at all! Plus free up-sizing at all Washington area McDonald’s locations.