Prince Charles’ Drunken Toast To Prince Harry And Meghan Markle
“Hmm? What, already? Okay, okay, okay…. OKAY!! I said okay!!! Jesus Christ, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I was going to… I wanted to see if… what is this for again? Okay, okay. Can I do this sitting down? I’m just going to do this sitting down. I’m a prince for fuck’s sake, I’ll do it sitting down if I bloody want to!”
“Okay. Helllloooooo! Who are you people, and how did you get onto my property?!? Guards, seize them!! Ha, I’m kidding of course. But seriously, who the hell are you people? I do recognize some of you from when I was a child… how the hell are you still alive? Are you drinking the Queen’s blood? She should bottle and sell that stuff. If you need someone to help you drain it, I’m your guy. She’s… and that was… I didn’t but that was okay.”
(seven and a half minutes of silence)
“Anyway… so, okay! Hmmm? Yes, right! Harry and…. Millie, was it? Hmm? Right, right! Meghan. Good job, Harry! We… to be honest, we were worried about Harry for awhile, his mother and I. He was quite the chubby little twat when he was a youngster! Seemed a bit slow as well. And you don’t want to give any credence to the whole “inbreeding royalty” aspect of…. this whole thing. We caught him eating a diaper once! When he was ten! For fuck sake, Harry. I mean, it wasn’t a used diaper or anything, but…. I mean, c’mon, who does that? Stop trying to grab my arm! I’m a fucking prince!!”
“So, yeah. Good luck with your marriage, I hope that it’s a good one, and so on and etcetera. What is even a good marriage, though, really? I sure as hell have no bloody idea. If you’re lucky, she’ll leave you alone to go shopping often enough for you to be able to fuck a few cute servant ladies. Lord knows how many bastards I have running around, stabbing tourists in the seediest pool halls of West Yorkshire. You’ll see…. you’ll see. It’s all just…. it’s….”
“At any rate, I… stop! Stop grabbing my arm! I can have your murdered in your sleep, I’ll have you know! LET GO OF ME!!!”
(eighteen minutes of silence)
“Right! Hmmm. Okay, I guess that’s it. Right? So, yes, best of luck and all that. You seem like a lovely girl, don’t take it personally if I never speak with you again.”
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
