Originals

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

“Student journalists dedicated their final issue in June to LGBTQ issues, writing two columns on the topic and a news article about the origins of Pride Month. Then, after publication, the school retaliated.” –NYT, 8/29/22


Report From Back of Band Bus: Nothing Queer To See Here


Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography


Closeted Science Teacher Gives Lesson in Straight Physics


Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple




AP English Writes Essay on Heterosexual Themes in Writing of Oscar Wilde


Administration Bans Queer Students From ”Sitting Like That”


Drama Club Putting on All Straight Production of ‘A Chorus Line’


Football Team Promises They Still Use Gay as an Insult


English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing


Op-Ed: 347 Reasons Why Principal Davis is Heterosexual, by Principal Davis


Cafeteria To No Longer Serve


Guidance Counselors To Hold Seminar on Getting Into Any School Except Emerson College

by Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’sSlackjawBelladonna ComedyLittle Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @not_bobbi.