Best of 2023

A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster

Subject: A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster 

Dear Esteemed HOA, 

Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety! 

Who can forget Halloween of ’16? Yes, the year Janice’s screaming skeleton reduced poor Bob’s already beleaguered heart to a quivering mess. Sure, he had high cholesterol and tobacco addiction, but that infernal skeleton was the final straw. Or how about Halloween of ’18, when my cat, Mr. Whiskers, became entangled in Marvin’s fake spider web? That plastic arachnid gazed into his soul, traumatizing him for a full twenty minutes! Trust me, several animal psychologists can attest that Mr. Whiskers was never quite the same afterward. 

And what of Stephanie’s audacious act of hanging a witch beside my door right after my cataclysmic divorce from an actual witch, Melinda, who left me to start a coven Upstate? The crassness of that gesture is not forgotten. It felt very pointed considering that Stephanie follows Melinda on Instagram and knows about the coven. And let’s not forget the cruel temptation of lobby candy bowls, tormenting poor Mrs. Engel, who has diabetes, as she clings to her bag of insulin, walking past those sugary snares every day. 

But the elevator ghosts on the first floor? They’re another matter entirely, mocking the real spirits that infest our building. I can hear their ethereal disapproval in the middle of the night with every creak of a floorboard and tilt of a picture on my wall. I’ve actually been “seeing” one of them and she’s stunning—nothing like those caricatures! 

Now, let’s turn our attention to the pumpkin problem. What a monstrous waste of food! Think of the shelter dogs craving a tasty pumpkin treat or the homeless souls who haven’t tasted pumpkin pie in years. And yet, here we are, scooping out these gourds and tossing their innards in the trash. I’ve perused the building’s dumpster and seen the horror of this waste firsthand! 

(Speaking of going through the trash, I suspect Penelope in 2H is harboring an illicit pet… But you didn’t hear it from me.) 

Consider this letter my formal complaint, dear HOA, and let it be known that I stand firmly for a Halloween-free, pumpkin-preserving, sanity-upholding home.

Yours unapologetically, 

Paul from Apartment 3B