QUIZ: Do You Have a Celebrity Crush or an Unhealthy Attraction to Sexy Psychopaths?
a. The actor who plays the villain is perfectly cast and able to flawlessly transform into the dark, complex character. Also, he is hot.
b. The villain character is powerful, intelligent, mysterious, suave, and well-dressed. He is extremely charismatic and deliciously dangerous and has a devastating smirk. Also, he is hot (made even hotter by battle scars and/or blood and human viscera on his person).
Which reading material do you prefer?
a. Profiles of the actor who plays the villain, tidbits about him on celebrity gossip sites, and his various musings on Instagram and other social media platforms
b. Steamy fanfiction featuring the villain that delves into his canonical and non-canonical relationships with other fictional characters
Which of the following would be your ideal dinner date?
a. Joining the actor who plays the villain for a romantic, candlelit dinner in his trailer on set. (Hey, he’s a busy guy.) He’ll share humorous behind-the-scenes anecdotes and maybe even ask one or two questions about your life. After that, who knows what might happen? (Sex. Hopefully sex will happen.)
b. Joining the villain for dinner in his creepy-but-sexy secret lair, even though you may unknowingly consume an endangered species and/or human flesh, and your fingerprints may be surreptitiously collected for nefarious purposes. (He could have chosen anyone to frame, and he chose YOU!)
Which of the following do you fantasize about?
a. A night of hot sex with the actor who portrays the villain, being fully aware that you may never see him again, and he may not remember your name.
b. A night of hot sex with the villain (you know he’ll never kink-shame you) being fully aware that he may forgo a postcoital cuddle in favor of sneaking out to perform assorted evil deeds
It’s late on a Saturday night, and you’re home alone. Which option is more enticing?
a. A visit from the actor who plays the villain, who rings your doorbell bearing champagne and assorted gourmet goodies. (They’re probably leftovers from award ceremony swag bags—but it’s still a nice gesture, right?) Time to provide some late-night hospitality!
b. An invitation from the villain to the aforementioned sexy secret lair. Perhaps he’s lonely and needs some comforting (not surprising, considering he’s perpetually misunderstood and clearly needs an open-minded partner to provide emotional—and sexual—support). Maybe he needs an alibi. Could be both.
Which relationship would you find more fulfilling?
a. Getting to know the actor who plays the villain—well, at least superficially—and meeting some of his celebrity friends. Attending the Oscars and exclusive after-parties as his date would be a nice bonus.
b. Being manipulated and gaslit by the villain until you become unmoored from reality and lose your grip on your sense of self. (It’s worth it for that devastating smirk.)
Scoring:
Mostly A: You have a celebrity crush! Apparently, this is now called a “parasocial relationship,” which sounds more sophisticated, no?
Mostly B: You have an unhealthy attraction to fictional sexy psychopaths! You may want to explore this tendency with a qualified therapist and/or Reddit users.
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Kate Antoniades is a writer, journalist, geek, cat person, and maker of bad puns. Her humor writing has also appeared in The Belladonna Comedy, Points in Case, Slackjaw, Greener Pastures, and Little Old Lady Comedy. Once you finish reading her bio, you can say, “Well, that’s 11 seconds I’ll never get back.”
