Roku City’s Police Blotter

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

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45-year-old, Leo Curtis, of Roku City was taken into custody by authorities for attempted burglary of the town’s McDonald’s next to the alien invasion on the 3400 block of Bob Iger Avenue. The perpetrator held up the cashier and asked for all the money so he could afford his own Netflix subscription since his ex changed the password on him. However, Curtis became distracted after seeing that the McDonald’s had a PlayPlace to play in. Curtis was found by police stuck in the ballpit. Bail was set for $30,000.

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36-year-old, Ken Stevenson, of Roku City was arrested for property damage after destroying his own and surrounding neighbors’ homes. The man was reportedly having a meltdown due to his Roku remote not working. He was stuck on hold for several hours with Roku City customer service where in frustration he started to rip apart his own home and destroy neighboring houses by throwing the remote through their windows. It was later revealed he simply needed to change the batteries. Bail was set for $70,000, the cost of two double A batteries in Roku City due to the recent battery tax.

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52-year-old, Betty Madison, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for disturbing the peace. The resident was banging pots and pans outside Roku City City Hall protesting the rampant air pollution in the city. She is reportedly upset by the mayor’s inaction to do anything about the purple and orange atmosphere that surrounds the city that’s supposedly safe, despite no other city in the universe looking like that. Bail was set to $5,000.

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39-year-old, Rich Higgins, of Roku City was taken into custody by the RCPD after being found urinating in the Roku City River. Before the public urination, Higgins reportedly was seen running around naked with a visible erection, trying to prove “his dick worked fine” after being served one too many hims erectile dysfunction Hulu ads. Shortly after Higgins was found, the federal EPA arrived on the scene to tend to the Roku City River sea monster injured in the golden shower. The monster is affectionately nicknamed, “Sea Baby.” Sea Baby is the last sea monster in the city-state, and therefore considered endangered. The $50,000 bail was paid by the hims marketing department as hush money.

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27-year-old, Holly Mance, is being held at Roku City Prison after an attempted kidnapping of Peacock CEO Kelly Campbell. Mance broke and entered through the west end of Campbell’s townhome on the 2800 Block of Roku Road Wednesday evening. Ring footage shows Campbell with tape covering her mouth and Mance saying, “give Netflix back the rights to The Office or I’m canceling all of my streaming services and going back to cable.” Campbell was unharmed aside from a rough Q2 earnings report. Roku City judge Pat Plutoson sentenced Mance to a 2-hour customer service phone call while trying to cancel a Xfinity cable package.

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58-year-old, Nancy Link, was arrested on Monday after she was found graffitiing “Slow Down The Subtitles” on the side of the Roku City City Hall. Link had reportedly been watching an episode of Chicago Fire with the subtitles on, but soon realized that the subtitles were being shown too fast, and before the characters had a chance to speak them. After pausing, closing the app, turning off her television, unplugging it, blowing on the Roku USB, and starting the program over again, Link, according to neighbors, snapped. This is Link’s second offense, the first when she pulled her building fire alarm when there was no fire after the audio wasn’t matching up to the actions while watching The Sopranos in March 2023. Bail was paid by Dick Wolf along with payment for the story rights for a future Law & Order episode.

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23-year-old, Laney Moore, was taken into custody by the RCPD after a neighbor called a welfare check on the woman. The neighbor reportedly saw Moore outside yelling obscenities about AI and Reed Hastings near the West 2700 block of Streaming Street. Passersby say that Moore became enraged after realizing she would have to wait months and maybe years before a new Stranger Things season would be released due to the WGA strike. No bail has been set.