Sean Hannity’s Other Secret Advisers

It turns out Michael Cohen isn’t the only associate of President Trump that FOX News mouthpiece Sean Hannity has secretly consulted for advice.

In the interest of full disclosure after boycotts were threatened against his show’s sponsors, Hannity explained the additional totally appropriate relationships:

General Mike Flynn: “General Flynn and I spoke for the briefest time — his entire tenure as national security adviser. I never paid him and he never advised me. He just gave me permission to use his catch-phrase “Lock her up!” about that MSNBC chick, Rachel Maddow.”

Kellyanne Conway: “She gave me her expertise on alternative facts, but that meeting lasted less than a minute because I have no use for facts — not even alternative ones.”

Jared Kushner: “I briefly considered converting to Judaism and wanted Jared to explain how I could get one of those beanies to stay on my incredibly large head without messing up my world-renowned hair. I must confess that in this case I did offer to pay a fee because you know how those people are.”

Stormy Daniels: “I just wanted to know how she keeps her very large breasts in check because I’ve exceeded my mansierre’s capacity.”

Paul Manafort: “He merely gave me some off-the-record fashion advice when I decided to add nine layers of undershirts to my outfits.”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “I did speak briefly with her, but she initiated the contact. She wanted to know my secret for being able to obviously lie while still being sanctimonious and condescending. We both agreed: Damn, I’m good.”

Eric Trump: “On one occasion I accidentally dialed Eric’s number, but I immediately hung up when I realized my mistake. Come on, even I’m not stupid enough to seek Eric Trump’s advice on anything.”

Vice President Mike Pence: “We spoke for a few minutes because I wanted to learn how to avoid compromising situations with a woman who is not your wife. Strangely, I haven’t had an opportunity to test his advice.”

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley: “Simple question: ‘Does it hurt when you get thrown under Trump’s Hollywood Access bus?'”

National Security Adviser John Bolton: “My neighbor’s poodle snuck into my backyard and trespassed in my 2,000-foot long swimming pool. So I immediately had a brief conversation with Mr. Bolton regarding drone strikes. Mission accomplished, Fluffy!”