Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address

Re: Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address

Hello all,

As the CFO of Generic RideShare App™, I’m not allowed to be sexist. Well, not sexist against men, anyway. And I’m writing this email to be upfront with you all about my male sexism. It’s something I need to overcome—I need to lean into my internalized misogyny and hate other women, as do we all. By judging women harshly for things we’d overlook for their male counterparts, we’re all ensuring success in Generic RideShare App™ as a whole.

Don’t get me started on how we’re “supposed” to treat nonbinary folks. Please, really don’t. I already feel like I’m going to pass out from anger. Mike, the San Francisco office’s lead finance manager, told me if I rage-collapse again he’ll fire me for being a “hazard.” A “hysterical hazard.” I am the Generic RideShare App™’s Chief Finance Officer. I am his superior. How does that even make sense?

As a powerful woman who is supposed to hate all other women and nonbinary people almost as much as I hate myself, this email serves to confess I can’t. I just can’t and I need your help. It’s terrible and really going to limit my trajectory at Generic RideShare App™, but there are some sexist double-standards I just can’t help but have. They may be cruel and unfair to the male population, and I’ll never be able to enter lucrative partnerships, but I can’t quell these feelings any longer on my own.

To support an open and honest work environment where we collaborate to tackle problems, here is a list of just some of the sexist double standards I hold about men at Generic RideShare App™. I don’t think I’ll be able to overcome without your help. Any suggestions for letting them go would be greatly appreciated.

Peacoats in Far-from-Inclement Weather

If I see another man come into our office from a summer San Franciscan day, shed his peacoat, and drape it over his arm like a knowing butler, I’m going to lose it. I’ve already suffered three concussions in the past month thanks to Jake, Ryan, and Alex, respectively. My therapist tells me I need to develop better coping mechanisms to avoid my body’s natural reaction to men being ridiculous—shutting down—but I haven’t found an effective one as of yet. Suggestions are welcome.

However, Michelle always looks so pulled together in her peacoat and I’m like, “Michelle, rock that EVERY DAY.”

‘Helpful’ Hints from the Hallway

Whenever a male coworker pops his head into my office at Generic RideShare App™ headquarters, even when the door is closed—firmly closed—to tell me ways to improve the output of our floor as a whole, I think about the scene from Kill Bill where Uma Thurman slams Buck’s head in the door jamb until he goes limp. Often, I unconsciously hold my breath while fantasizing about that scene until I lose consciousness. My therapist tells me this was not the type of visualization she had suggested in our sessions. Any feedback regarding positive visualization techniques to help me not fantasize about killing Jake, Ryan, or Alex would be much appreciated.

On the other hand, Brittany politely taps on my door, waits until I invite her in, and then asks permission to implement a new strategy she read about in O. She then asks me what kind of coffee I’d like from Philz. Brittany is a hero. Brittany is my hero.

Doc Martens in Meetings

As you all know, I try to keep our meetings at Generic RideShare App™ headquarters short and on topic, which is why I have found it deeply disturbing that not once, not twice, but on six separate occasions, one of our male colleagues has leaned back in his chair, placed his arms behind his head, and hefted his mud-caked Doc Martens onto the table in our conference room. San Francisco is a city. You have to go out of your way to get muddy. What are you doing?

It’s even more disturbing that it has not been limited to Jake, Ryan, and Alex. Mike, Allen, and the other Alex have done it as well—do you all go shoe shopping together?

In contrast, Samantha wore Doc Martens to a meeting three weeks ago. I didn’t realize it until she was leaving the meeting—because she never once put her feet on the table like a monster.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” she mumbled when she noticed my gaze, “I had to borrow these from a friend after my shoes were soaked when her apartment flooded this morning. This rain has been intense! I didn’t have time to run home.”

Samantha, wear Doc Martens whenever you want. Whenever. You. Want.

I know my blatant sexism is causing rifts in the positive culture we try to facilitate at Generic RideShare App™. Again, any tips for leaning into my internalized misogyny and overcoming the rage all of the men at Generic RideShare App™ bring out in me would be extremely helpful. I will try my best not to automatically delete suggestions from any of them.

Thank you all for your attention, and I know we can work through this hangup and become a stronger Generic RideShare App™ because of it.

Best,

Your CFO of Generic RideShare App™, Mike’s boss and superior