Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, if I may ask respectfully, do you believe in life after love?

Mr. Chairman, in your opinion, do honorary Oscars count?

Would you still love your wife if she was a worm, Mr. Chairman?

Mr. Chairman, do you believe Paul Simon regrets letting Art Garfunkel sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water”?

Mr. Chairman, to the best of your ability, can you name every member of Vinny Chase’s entourage?

Do you really believe that Val Valentino is the masked magician, Mr. Chairman? You don’t think he was set up by Big Magic?

Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is “mid”?

Answer me this, Mr. Chairman, have you ever seen Mary Louise Kelly and Melissa Villaseñor in the same room?

Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision?

Mr. Chairman, do you believe that The Hangover III could’ve been improved if the film ended with the Wolfpack getting drugged for a third time, forgetting the events of the film that we, the audience, had just seen, effectively reversing the structure of the previous two films?

Mr. Chairman, am I able to use the phrase “Bob’s Your Uncle” even though I’m under 45?

Mr. Chairman, would you please disclose your favorite Faygo flavor?

Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet?

Yes or no, Mr. Chairman, should “Lactate” be added to the phrase “Live, Laugh, Love”

Mr. Chairman, do shapeshifters also obtain specific memories and personality traits too?

In your findings, Mr. Chairman, have you found proof of the existence of any U2 fans?

Lastly, Mr. Chairman, is it true you write poetry under the pseudonym Rupi Kaur?