So, Honey, I Might Have Accidentally Drunk-bought Some GameStop Stock
Good morning, sweetheart. Are you sitting down? Of course you are, you’re just having your coffee. Ok, so – there’s a chance that I might have, maybe a little, bought some GameStop stock last night. Not, like, a lot-lot, but maybe more than one share. In my defense, I was drunk.
Why was I drunk at home on a Thursday night is an excellent question, my love. I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that sometimes after you go to bed I have a drink or two. Or a fifth of bourbon, which isn’t *that* much bourbon if you think about it. How often? Oh…. Maybe every night since April I guess? But that’s not what’s important here.
What we need to look at now is that I took a break from my erotic video chat – shh, shh, we’ll talk about that later – to figure out what this GameStop nonsense was all about – one of the chat participants wouldn’t shut up about it, and it was really killing the vibe. How many participants? That’s not really relevant right now, darling.
So I did some sleuthing – or, if we’re being honest, I read a Vox explainer and I still didn’t get it, but it felt in the moment like a way to make a quick buck or two. Or to hurt hedge funds at least, and who doesn’t want to stick it to those monsters? Yeah, yeah, I know a volatile market hurts our 401K, but it’s not like we have much in there. Anymore. I’ll get to that. Anyway, long story short, I bought some shares, I think. I had to download a few apps, and to be completely transparent, I’ve blacked a lot of this out.
No no no, I *think* I can get out of it? Or sell the stocks right now? We’re supposed to “hold,” but I’m not 100% sure what “hold” means in this context. Liked, I get “hold your fire,” which is what I’m hoping you’ll do, honey, hahaha, that’s QUITE a look on your face, you should – yes, yes, of course, sorry.
No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.
Huh. Oh, nothing. Good news though! It looks like I maybe didn’t buy any stock after all? There’s some kind of transaction time-out notice, but I do seem to remember pulling the trigger on *something*…. Oh. Well, looks like we dodged the bullet on this one, honey! You keep that in mind when the Peloton bikes I apparently ordered instead show up, ok?
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, illustrator, and performer. She is a regular contributor to the New Yorker and the Nib, among many other publications. She is the author of a book of essays and cartoons about parenting called “Mama Tried” (Grand Central, 2015). She does a weird hybrid of standup and cartoons on stages throughout NYC and beyond, and is the creator and cohost of a monthly live interview show called NIGHTMARES. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, daughter, and a frail, elderly cat.
