Some More Sus Guidance From the CDC – We’re beginning to think they’re not taking things seriously
“But the new CDC guidance, which shortens the recommended isolation time from 10 days to five days for people without symptoms, has come under harsh criticism from some health experts who say it was not based on ‘science’ and could cause still infectious asymptomatic people to transmit the virus to others.” -NBC News
The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text.
The CDC says add them on Snap.
The CDC says they get so lonely sometimes.
The CDC wants to know if ur comfortable meeting up rn like ur not paranoid or whatever, right?
The CDC admits they’re not looking for anything serious right now, they’re kinda in a vulnerable place.
The CDC apologizes that they forgot to text – they’ve been reading Infinite Jest and that’s a real priority for them right now.
The CDC asks if you ever think about marriage? But like they don’t really care, really just curious, also would it upset you if they were married?
The CDC is all heyyy they probably won’t be able to meet up tonight (sry bout that) but they’re playing a show tmrw on the LES at 1am if u wanted to stop by with some friends 😉
The CDC texts sorry their phone died.
The CDC mumbles you can stay over but they have a really early morning.
The CDC says this has been really fun, we should do it again in five days.
The CDC yells calm down, are you on your period???
The CDC confides you mean a lot to them but mostly in a sexual way.
The CDC recommends you don’t Google them cause there was this “me too” thing that got blown out of proportion.
The CDC says so sorry they’re only just now seeing these texts.
The CDC sings can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn’t mean to call u that…
The CDC recommends you listen to Joe Rogen because he actually makes some really good points.
The CDC purrs that that N95 looks good on you, but would look even better on the floor next to your bed.
The CDC messages new phone who dis?
The CDC says I promise, I can change.
The CDC insists if you’re triple vaxxed it’s totally safe to do butt stuff!
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Catherine Weingarten is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer who has written for such sites as Little Old Lady, Sally Magazine and Points in Case. She’s also a big fan of donuts existing!
