Statistics I’ve Shared Right Before Being Told ‘Let’s Agree to Disagree’

Chris: Should our weekly Dungeons and Dragons campaign include a storyline about uncovering hidden documents proving that random orc was raped?

Me: Unfortunately, “only 230 out of every 1,000 sexual assaults are reported to police. That means about 3 out of 4 go unreported,” RAINN. Chances are, that orc was never given the help or resources necessary to report the attack and recover. So, no, Chris. It wouldn’t be realistic.

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Jordan: Did you hear Chris say you can compost human waste if you do it right?—I’ve known the guy my whole life and have never seen him take an interest in shit.

Me: Well, it’s a sad truth that “only 24% of people in major cities know all or most of their neighbors,” Pew Research. And don’t you and Chris have to take two trains to see each other? Means you’re essentially strangers.

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Chris: Jordan mushroom stamped me REPEATEDLY even when someone else killed me in our Call of Duty game. What the hell? Can you believe that?

Me: Quite frankly, yes—“every 73 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted,” RAINN.

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Jordan: Chris told me he  can’t make it to DnD this week because he needs to give some stranger on the internet a stool sample. Who would give that shit away for free??

Me: I mean, it checks out—“74% of first-time telehealth users are willing to share genetic information,” Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation.

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Chris: Sorry I missed DnD last week—I was donating fecal matter to help gut biome research. Isn’t that awesome? My Gen Z coworker told me about it ‘cause she’s always researching shit like that. Why do you think she’s still so curious about the world and we’re so…..us?

Me: It’s probably because of her youth, frankly. “49% of younger Millennials feel a sense of wonder about the world at least once a week,” Pew Research. We’re more concerned with forgetting to pay our taxes, not being married at 40, and canceled chiropractor appointments.

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Jordan: I’m taking over as dungeon master for the weekly DnD campaign—do you think it’s weird Chris is convinced some throwaway non-playable orc was sexually assaulted even though literally no one said that happened? Besides, who would want to fuck an orc? They’re not even attractive, canonically.

Me: I mean, Chris could be onto something…. “39% of sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance,” RAINN, and why would this mage tell on himself? Plus, most gratification isn’t the primary motivator for sexual assault—“Power, control, and anger are more likely to be the primary motivators,” Megan’s Law. And that mage def had wild magic control issues.

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Chris: Would the dude in Bridgerton have accidentally fathered a child even if he were using the pull out method perfectly? Jordan keeps saying he would have ended up with at least three—but I think the dude would definitely have had a whole army of bastards.

Me: I mean, if he performed his pullout game perfectly, it’d depend on how often he scored. “For every 100 people who use the withdrawal, or pull out, method perfectly, 4 will get pregnant,” Planned Parenthood. Based on how paranoid he was, I’m thinking he might have fared okay if he got laid fewer than ninety-six times.

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Jordan: Chris is such a stuck-up bitch—derailing our whole DnD game with that orc shit. Does he think the world revolves around him, or what?

Me: Well, “a 2014 poll found 1 in 4 people in the U.S. think the sun revolves around the Earth,” NPR, and Chris is on Earth….

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Jordan, again: Do you think you’re better than me even though we literally do all the same shit?

Me: Considering “65% of Americans believe they are above average in intelligence,” PLOS ONE, …infer for yourself.

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Jordan, once more: You need to knock it off with these stats. You do realize you’re a bummer, right?

Me: Maybe, but “100% of the time—you keep asking me stupid questions,” me.