Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Associate Justice Samuel Alito

Send out the invitations ASAP! Draft them one month in advance and stick to your choice of date and location with ironclad, unwavering resolve. Express indifference to any despair about its remoteness and inaccessibility and push ahead, defying all logic and human decency. If anyone is traumatized, harmed, or killed outright while traveling to your barbecue, they should have exercised personal accountability! Wash your hands of it all and husk that corn!

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Chief Justice John Roberts

Summer is only getting hotter and deadlier due to the scourge of climate change, so play it safe. Drink lots of water, wear sunscreen, and stay in the shade. The occasional megadrought will affect access to that life-sustaining fluid, so you’d better stock up, especially if you depend on Lake Mead to get it. Capping carbon emissions and forcing a transition from fossil fuels may be a sensible solution to the crisis someday, but not barbecue day! The IPCC gave us until the end of the decade for humanity to get its act together, and we still have a finite, ever decreasing amount of time left before hitting the point of no return. You may not fully agree with the opinions of your fellow barbecue planners, but who are you to rock the boat? Twiddle your thumbs like the feckless enabler of deplorable barbecue practices you are and have a hot dog!

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Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh

What time is it? *checks watch* BEER O’CLOCK!! Brands like Budweiser and Coors are fine, but you can show off a refined palate at your cookout with microbrews and imports. If you’re a devotee, display your skills with a personalized craft beer you made yourself. I call mine Hard Justice, but enough about my penis! If the ladies decline a brewski, or an innocent little smooch, push them over in their lawn chairs in full view of numerous eyewitnesses and lay one on ‘em! I think I did something like this at another barbecue decades ago. Let me check my calendar.

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Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor

Wow. The majority of the people overseeing this barbecue are making decisions that negatively impact all other barbecues. Whatever the scope of these tips may be, it’s clear they’ll curtail the fundamental barbecue rights of all U.S. citizens.

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Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett

Bring the kids! Mandate it! The guests might not want kids at the barbecue and may have them there through no fault of their own, or any degree of consent. It might not even be conducive to guests’ health or lives to have kids at the barbecue, but there are alternatives! Find the nearest fire or police station ahead of time and drop the youngins off there if they become burdensome. That’s what progressives call a safe space! Whatever you do, don’t offer monetary or logistical support to them during those nine months before grillin’ time. You could get sued by another barbecue host halfway across the country for that display of compassion! Hey, we don’t make these barbecue tips, we just allow them to take effect by kicking them back to the heartless bastards at the state level who did.

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Associate Justice Elana Kagan

Uh…whatever you may think you know; you don’t have a clue about responsible barbecue planning. This deranged barbecue committee has declared itself the authority on all barbecues? I cannot think of many things more frightening.

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Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch

Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!

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Associate Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson

I’m one generation late, but thanks for the invite! Oh. This place is a mess. These barbecues have really gotten out of hand since the mid to late 2000s. I’ll help clean up, but I think it will take another generation to do it. Sonia? Elena? Future barbecue planners that have not been weaponized and installed by The Federalist Society and Republican presidents? Can any of you lend a hand?

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Associate Justice Clarence Thomas

Ladies, don’t worry your pretty heads about overturning landmark barbecue precedent with disturbing haste. Who wants a Coke?