Summer Camps for the Modern Child

Who needs modern medicine? Not us! At Camp Anti-Vaxxer, campers will be organically introduced to holistic herbal supplements hypodermically administered to help combat diseases such as chicken pox, measles, and HPV. Night time activities will be led by people wearing white coats and stethoscopes who have many, many internet degrees and tons of Instagram followers. The camp will conclude with the singing of the camp song, Ring Around the Rosie, and a meet-and-greet with special guest Jessica Biel! There will be no Parent Visitor Days this year.

Campers ages five to twelve will develop their skills as YouTube and Instagram influencers. Your little money makers will focus on mastering dumb plastic egg opening, playing with toys (not for fun, of course, to influence!), and moving Disney princess dolls around with their hands and modifying their names to avoid copyright infringement. BONUS: Each camper will have the opportunity to attend one non-existent music festival at the end of the summer!

Today, selling cookie dough and thin mints to neighbors. Tomorrow, the world. Your future multi-level marketing #bossbabe or #dealmakingdude will develop the “can-do” attitude required to convince your casual acquaintances on Facebook that essential oils are indeed essential. Our comprehensive marketing program will quickly quash any childish desires your children have and turn them into lean, mean, friendship destroying machines. Act fast as our camper starter kits–$99 if you use codeword PYRAMID–are going fast. Sign ups are first come, first served with one exception: All children named Atlas will be automatically admitted.

Is your little girl ready to up-end traditional gender roles and fight institutional misogyny? Is your little boy ready to be an ally? At Camp Smash the Patriarchy, your little social justice warriors will learn active techniques to bring down the patriarchy once and for all! And the emphasis is on active. There’s no social media slactivism here! Campers should be prepared to get down and dirty in the trenches. (Please note: Each camper must supply their own sledgehammer and protective gear because we’re going to be shattering tons of glass ceilings!)

Smart parents know that the workforce isn’t what it used to be. Luckily, Camp Freelancer is here to prepare your future temp workers to navigate the rapidly changing economy. Campers will learn to determine if it’s just a cough or something life-threatening that is worth blowing your savings on, how tracking your expenses and hours can be fun, and how to ask to be paid, but like in a way that shows it’s no big deal. Please note: Camp dues must be delivered at the time of enrollment. Campers will receive a camp t-shirt six weeks to seven months after completion of the camp and they will be delivered by PayPal or Stripe (yes, those places deliver goods, trust us).

Our young campers will harken back to a time when full-time financial anxiety didn’t exist. Using imagination play, they will get to experience the fabled savings account and a robust 401(k). Student loan debt doesn’t exist here! Campers will enjoy luxurious accommodations in our one of a kind Nest Egg cabins, where the pantry is moderately stocked with fresh fruit. Uh-oh, watch out! Trouble is just over the horizon on the third day of camp. An unexpected medical bill comes crashing through the forest threatening our Nest Eggs! Don’t be scared, though, a properly funded social safety net will save the day! Boy, that was a close one.

Campers ages eight to seventeen will develop skills and strategies to not just survive but thrive in the coming climate change-induced hellscape! Your little survivalists will learn to tread water like water polo Olympians (but with real purpose!), forage for food in our closed-course underwater grocery store, avoid being murdered by bloodthirsty climate change migrants, and tell Republicans “I told you so.” Emphasis will be on fun! And also not dying. Children under age eight are not permitted to attend because, if we’re doing the math right, they are completely screwed.