Here at Amazon, we’re committed to becoming an essential—nay, inescapable—part of our Prime members’ lives. So today, we’re proud to announce a bold new plan to take all the guesswork, and pesky free will, out of shopping. Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition.
This exclusive, free program for Prime members will deliver millions of items, right to your doorstep—before you realize you need or want them. You don’t even have to place the orders. In fact, you can’t. You legally ceded your right to self-determination the last time you agreed to our terms and conditions.
Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.
That’s right. Never again will you run out of laundry detergent or paper towels. Never again will you have to bother with returns. And never again will you schlep to the mall to try on fifty pairs of jeans before settling for one that’s too tight in the waist but too loose in the butt. We’ll just send you a too-loose-but-somehow-also-too-tight pair from the get-go.
Picture this: You come home after a long day of work. You’re exhausted, thinking you just don’t have the energy to cook dinner. Suddenly, you hear a delivery truck. You open your door to find an AmazonFresh driver on your porch. He hands you a bag containing a week’s worth of your favorite frozen meals and a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s. Then he hands you a box of Kleenex and adds, “He didn’t deserve you anyway.”
You’re confused, briefly. But as our AmazonFresh truck pulls away, your boyfriend calls. He’s breaking up with you. That’s right. From the first day you met Kurt, we knew you’d need Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia to console you at this precise moment. (And honestly, with a name like Kurt, you should’ve known, too.)
Another day, you walk out your front door and there’s a Prime Wardrobe box waiting for you. Inside, you find a chic black dress. What could this mean? you wonder. A job interview coming up? A first date? You think how you haven’t a good date since the Kurt fiasco, and you could really use a confidence boost right about now. That’s when your mom texts. Grandma Susie just passed, and the funeral’s on Wednesday.
Now we know, some people out there might be saying, “Whoah, sounds like a massive violation of customer privacy,” and “Isn’t this just the plot from Minority Report?”
To them we say: Nonsense!
People thought we were crazy when we started selling more than books. People thought we were crazy when we introduced two-day shipping. People thought we were crazy when we created the Fire Phone. And when we said we’d do drone delivery. And when we announced we were opening HQ2 in New York City.
And guess what? They were right about three out of five of those things—but it doesn’t matter because, as we’ve mentioned, you consented to all of this in our previous terms and conditions. So we don’t give a shit if you think we’re crazy. We already own you.
Now for good measure, we hereby state that by continuing to live, breathe and/or otherwise exist, you legally agree to all terms and conditions in all current and future versions of Amazon user agreements in each and every iteration of the multiverse.
Amazon Prime PreCognition is coming, losers. Get used to it.
By day, Jane writes for brands. By night, she writes to make people laugh. Sometimes, she gets to do both at once. Her work has been featured on Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist and her mother’s fridge. She’s never learned how to ride a bike, but she once breathed fire. Find her on Twitter: @janeloveswords.