“A lead character suffers a fatal heart attack during the first episode of the series after taking a spin class on one of the company’s pricey exercise bikes. Peloton shares plunged 11% following the midnight release of the highly anticipated premiere episode on Thursday, with many viewers expressing online concerns that the bikes could induce a coronary episode.” –The New York Post
In light of recent events, I’d like to make a statement regarding my perceived role in the untimely passing of Mr. Big, otherwise known as John No Last Name. While I’ve tried to respect fans’ period of grieving, I can no longer stay silent. The time has come to speak my truth.
I’m not sure if you have collective amnesia, or if you’re just disoriented after being hit by HBO’s forty-four minute tidal wave of contrived wokeness, but your beloved Mr. Big was never exactly a portrait of health. Before this year, he had never even heard of exercise, let alone Peloton!
Sadly, he’d never cultivated courage with Peloton’s breadth of engaging workouts and immersive technology. He hadn’t enjoyed unlimited access to our thousands of live and on-demand classes, such as our 30-Minute Hamilton Ride. He’d never even popped a woodie while getting fit with one of our CIA assassins-turned-spin instructors! If anything, I’d argue his decision to join the Peloton family added minutes, if not hours to his life.
How can you be so shocked by this man’s death? For years, you watched him puff cigars, sip martinis, and sell his plasma to quietly pay down Carrie’s balance at Manolo Blahnik, so she could maintain the delusion that writing is a lucrative profession. Blaming me for his cardiac arrest is ludacris.
Not to mention Big’s history of heart issues. Have you all forgotten season 6? Because let’s face it, it wasn’t only his habit of consuming Porterhouse steaks in broody silence after leaving women at the altar that led to his decline. Imagine the stress this man was under! Do you have any idea how expensive Manhattan real estate is, coupled with the financial strain of multiple alimony payments? And I can only imagine how exhausting it was for Big to play the role of Samantha after Kim Cattrall quit.
So I can’t understand why the media is so insistent on making me this season’s villain. Did you not see Charlotte struggling to cry through Botox? Carrie redirecting every conversation back to herself? Miranda, simply existing? And you think I’m the bad guy? An inanimate object hasn’t been so unfairly villainized since the crockpot on This is Us.
Look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Big was never the same after returning from his expedition to retrieve the Heart of the Ocean from the Titanic wreckage. The guy was still doing damage control after decades of being the abso-fucking-lutely worst boyfriend on television, and let’s face it, you can’t exactly buy Carrie Bradshaw an infinity bracelet from Zales. So he took a cue from the dude in Britney’s Oops…I Did It Again video, went down, and got it for her. In my opinion, enduring freezing temperatures and a deep sea dive at his advanced age is what truly hastened his decline.
I know things are tough right now. In our current climate, all you really wanted was to kick back and enjoy some nostalgic consumerism. You had the rug pulled out from under you, and it wasn’t fair. Just like it isn’t fair for our company’s stock to plummet as a result of morbid product placement.
But you can’t blame Peloton. Our products are extremely safe and have never harmed anyone. However, I’m making a limited-time offer to remind everyone that our bikes still make the ideal gift this holiday season. Simply enter the code PELOTONWIDOW to receive a 10% discount off your purchase. Happy riding!
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Lindsay Hameroff is a writer and humorist who lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Daily Drunk Mag, and more. She also edits Frazzled, a parenting humor blog on Medium. In her spare time, she reads, cooks, and/or fantasizes about making brisket for Harry Styles.