Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg
Ding dong! Hello! Facebook is the best way to salvation!
“The company [Facebook] is intensifying formal partnerships with faith groups across the United States and shaping the future of religious experience.” — The New York Times, July, 25, 2021
Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought God to Facebook so you can experience salvation. Because God appeared to me personally in a vision and said, “Zuck, this is the future of worship. Heed my call and I shall reward you with more money.”
But I’m not doing it for the money, I’m doing it for the good of the whole human race. Word. Amen.
Ding dong! Woof Woof, Dogs4Eva community! Might we suggest for you, this book of likes and shares. It’s your chance to devote yourself to a higher power. Or better yet. The highest power. (That’s me.) Save your souls from dalmatian damnation. Join me and get into the good graces of God. He doesn’t go to temples or churches or gurdwara anymore. He only appears through me and my tools. You don’t want to chance it and go to Twitter–I mean, hell–do you?
Heck, I, Elder Zuckerberg, was once an atheist but now I’m back to believing, because I can’t sell you a product that I don’t use myself, right?
Hallelujah! Now join this new sermon feature on my book.
Poke. Poke. Yes, you with the Justin Beiber fan page. I’m spreading the word of truth. You might be Beliebers, but it’s time to become true believers. It’s super fun to hang on Facebook with Jesus Christ. Or Moses. Or Muhammad. Whoever. The important point is you get to test new features like prayer requests or avatars you can dress for service with prayer shawls, skullcaps, or communion dresses. We have a full closet of goodies we’re going to roll out for you to purchase — we mean borrow for a small donation.
Hey! Tagging you, TherapyAnonomusGroup! I’ve got a feeling that you could be feeling a whole lot better than you’re feeling today with our new worship feature. You might be charged for service, but we’ll turn off those sad feelings. These little details are all listed in our terms and conditions. Also known as our religious doctrine. Want a prayer? That’ll be $10. Fundraising? Great. I’ll take a tithe. Lonely, anxious, scared, looking for a place to belong? That’s why you’re on Facebook, right? So now, just sign up for our Godly service, and you’ll be all set. Pour your heart out to us. We’ll try to hold onto your secrets.
There’s no limit to what we can do! Me and you! But mostly me!
Hey, hey, hey, BotoxBuddies! This book can give you the secret to eternal life–not just eternal youth. Convert to our way of religious gatherings. Promise we won’t try to sell you holy products. Just maybe suggest every so often that you enlighten your spirit along with your body. It’s not an invasion of privacy that you’re getting ads to join a church popping up in your feed just because you wrote “God I hope this Botox works” in Messenger. It’s just God himself working through algorithm to reach you. He really wants you to sign up for virtual service or else he might send you spooky Mormon hell dreams. Just saying.
This book will change your life! Trust the heavenly father (of behavior tracking).
Word up, CampMomsGroup. Are these your kids in those photos? That’s great. We’re testing family service. Worship with strangers who can see into your home. We have so many friendly faces. In fact, that “choir boy” Jack is really Biff who’s doing forty years for a little misunderstanding outside a bar. We know that because of our new virtual confession feature.
Don’t holy ghost us! Friend us today. We’ll let you in and show you how it’s done. God commanded me to launch this book and stick it into every home. What, aren’t you ready to be redeemed?
Teresa Douglas is a humor and satire writer in Vancouver, Canada. She has an MFA and an MBA, which makes her a professional BS-er. You can follow her on Twitter at @TeresaReport and check out her work at theteresareport.com.