Welcome to the premier showcase of humanity, transmitted across the universe to an audience of human-loving members of the interplanetary preservation society. As the robotic trainers walk out their Homo sapiens for the Best in Show session, keep the following characteristics in mind for any breed you’d like to have as your very own human pet!
Winner of the Harmless Group: The Suburban Dad
Exceedingly comfortable with his place in the world, the Suburban Dad requires minimal grooming and has a softly rotund midsection, resulting in the once-popular term, “dad bod.” And while he is exceptionally house trainable and domesticated, he can often be found out in the wild driving around listening to Steely Dan or shopping for tires for upwards of 3 hours.
Winner of the Dependability Group: The Basic Bitch
Highly reliable to the point of boring, the Basic Bitch loves routine and repetition. So be sure to stock up on Lululemon leggings as daily barre and spin classes are required to keep up her show-human physique. Mental stimulation isn’t necessary, but her happy and energetic attitude craves a steady diet of Starbucks, The Bachelor and positive reinforcement via social media likes.
Winner of the Tracking Group: The Internet Troll
A weak build makes this breed most at home on Reddit, Twitter and in YouTube comment sections where they can indulge their aggression from a completely stationary position. But what they lack in physical power, they more than make up for in stamina, as they are known to engage in prolonged chases, feeding on the anger they enrage in others. Early socialization is a must if you plan on having face-to-face interactions.
Winner of the Herding Group: The Early Aughts Hipster
Lovers of irony, this breed demands a high level of maintenance to look casually unmaintained, and despite their general intelligence, they won’t respond when you call them by their name. If spotted at Whole Foods or other high-end grocers, they might not actually be a purebred hipster, but a professionally employed, mixed yupster breed.
Winner of the Agility Group: The Newly Retired Empty Nester
Birding, square dancing, and putting little ships in bottles are just a few of the surprising ways this breed occupies their newfound free time. Expect the unexpected. They also crave attention and companionship, responding to small interactions with a disproportionate amount of love. Great for all types of owners with available bandwidth.
Winner of the Untameable Group: The Dark & Mysterious Loner
This breed of loner is attracted to shadows and tends to go off sulking around corners, oftentimes only lured out of the darkness with motorcycle engine noises and lit cigarettes. Life with a Dark & Mysterious Loner is never dull, but it can be a challenge for unsuspecting first time owners as they’re hard to discipline and very unloyal.
Winner of the Endurance Group: The Rumored Witch
Can live as long as 900 years. Use a “trial by water” test for clearer indication of witchcraft.
UPDATE: Best in Show: The Suburban Dad
The Suburban Dad is the first ever Best in Show winner from the harmless group! And like past winners, he’s going to be a very in-demand prize human. Hopefully his flesh can handle it, as he’ll most likely be bred with an unending supply of dominatrices to create those ever-so-trendy Dad Bod Doms.
We hope you enjoyed The Westminster Human Show, brought to you by Alexa.
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Brian is a writer in Brooklyn who probably spends too much time with other Brians on “All The Brians,” a podcast experiment where Brian interviews other people named Brian: allthebrians.com