Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

When my great uncle died a few months back, he left me one item in his will: his beloved penis pump. Kind of grossed me out at first, but then, quite by accident, I discovered the pump (“Greg” from here on out) has an impressive array of mystical properties. Perhaps most amazingingly, Greg can answer any question asked of him. Are the answers correct? Who cares? Do you have access to a penis pump named Greg who will answer your questions in a soothing, deep baritone? Then just shut your pie hole, why don’t you!!

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Q: What’s the deal with Tony Danza? Is he really and truly the leader of a cannibal cult operating under the auspices of the Mormon Church? His constant appearances in my dreams, while initially a pleasant reprieve from malaise, have become quite terrifying.

Greg: That’s the guy from Who’s The Boss, right? Yeah, I don’t know what his deal is. What difference does it make to you? Mind your own business.

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Q: Hey, do you know where I put my keys? I swear to God, I can’t find them anywhere!

Greg: I’m reaching out… reaching out…. best as I can tell, your keys are on the floor of your bedroom closet. A mere 2 feet away from your own penis pump! And lucky for you, too! We mystical penis pumps can communicate telepathically from as much as a hundred miles away from one another, and fortunately your penis pump (Hank, just so you know) is literally humming with mystical energies.

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Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don’t want to stick my hand into the garbage bin.

Greg: Um… do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I’m a sentient penis pump. The only thing I’ve ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.

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Q: I’m a bit flustered, so please forgive me… but would you have any interest in going with me to prom?

Greg: Yes, I will! And I’ll tell you why: it’s going to be hilarious when you place me gingerly into the punch bowl! But please don’t forget my corsage; I’m a fun date, but I don’t come cheap.

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Q: I was adopted as a young infant, and recently discovered the whereabouts of my birth parents. If I were to seek them out, where should I begin?

Greg: As someone who was discarded and passed along from person to person over the past seventeen years, having only recently been purchased by this latest old pervert at a flea market six months ago, I can relate to your dilemma. If you do ultimately decide to seek out your biological parents, my only advise would be to not mention the fact that you were pushed in their direction by advice from a sentient penis pump. Its not as good an ice breaker as you might think, in my experience.

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Q: Can you believe how hot it already is this summer? It’s crazy! For those, like me, foolhardy enough to brave the elements, what SPF do you recommend?

Greg: I’ll be honest here, if temps go above 83, I tend to stick to the indoors with the a/c cranked to the max. Even though I’m made of a high quality plastic with an added protective polymer resin coating, I can very easily crack in extreme heat. Plus, many different types of sunscreen remind me of the same type of stuff that many of these deviants slather me in, so I just try not to think about it if at all possible.