Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don't want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um... do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I'm a sentient penis pump. The only thing I've ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.

Black Magic Friday's Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!

Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!

The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!

The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.

How to Trick the Unvaccinated into Getting the COVID Vaccine, According to Six Children's Party Magicians

Follow your nose down the trail of Axe Body Spray and boom, that’s your mark. Lead him to your magic disappearing box and have him confirm the box is solid with no secret escape panel. The purple smoke that billows out as he climbs in is actually a general anaesthetic. Spin the box around three times and open it to show he’s gone. He’ll wake up in a clinic waiting room with a 3pm vaccination appointment. Voilà!

I Didn’t Grow Up. I’m Still a Toys R Us Kid. I Should’ve Thought This Through.

I might’ve grown into a Spencer’s Gifts tween, pretending to look at Simpsons posters while covertly peeping fuzzy handcuffs and naughty dice. I could’ve become a Gadzooks teen, shoplifting ironic ringer tees I only sorta understood. I could’ve aged into an HomeGoods adult, embracing the simple thrills of decorative farfalle housed in seafoam green canisters. Instead, I’m cursed to live in a label-scarred building that’s only seasonally used as a Spirit Halloween. 

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

Cursed Items & Their Corresponding Curses

Broken Tooth of Beserker Alpha: Generic Rogaine causes severe skin rash on face and neck.

Santa's Secrets

Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that's why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.

Examples of Accidental Magic

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

CARTOON: Abracadabra!

Amazingly made her attraction disappear! Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

CARTOON: Delicious Magic

From Ordinary Into Extraordinary! Delicious Magic. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.