The Aliens On Mars Respond To Jeff Bezos’ Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now
This summer marks five agonizing years since our Invader Jeff Bezos traveled to space and decided he wanted to settle down and live out his golden years on Mars. I still remember the day his big spaceship landed, and you know what they say about guys with big ships. First of all, he double parked, which was shitty, and second, the moment he landed he had the balls to say “Take me to your leader.” Like, if you’re going to visit a different planet, at least do a bit of research about the culture before coming instead of shoving a bunch of stereotypes in our faces like Emily in Paris. From that moment, we knew this guy was gonna be a real son of a mother load. And here we are, five years later after he’s decided to retire on Mars and now the entire planet is working for him and his retirement community built only for him until he dies.
So let me space walk you through what a day in our lives is like tending to Jeff. Wake up call is at 5:00 a.m., because he still adheres to those wannabe hustler LinkedIn posts. Then, we help him shower which…we think is weird, right? E.T.’s in charge of exfoliating, shampooing, and conditioning his bald head and before you ask, yes, he kicks himself every day for not staying down on Earth. Then, for the rest of the day Jeff lays out and enjoys our gorgeous 12-hour sunlit days while my co-worker Brobot reads his horoscope since his house is always in Mars now and he wants to stay on his toes. Jeff still hasn’t learned Brobot’s name, and usually refers to him as Alexa, or Beep Boop Bop, which is very offensive. Those not on Jeff duty stack and count his money in the giant warehouses he’s built here to make sure it’s all safe so the IRS on Earth doesn’t bust him.
Believe it or not, the working conditions here are atrocious. Even though we have an intergalactic resort bathroom onsite while he’s just laying out by the crater pools, Jeff doesn’t allow us to use it! He makes us piss in water bottles just like the human workers did on Earth! Rumor has it he likes to drink it because he thinks our alien urine will make his hair grow back. Plus, there’s dangerous machinery in the kitchen and a few of my colleagues got some of our tentacles sliced off when trying to make him a stupid roast beef sandwich while he’s watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Now he’s trying to convince us everything is fine with a propaganda marketing campaign that gives employees discounts at a place called Space Foods. Too bad he doesn’t pay us enough to shop at Space Foods. Even the employee delivery deals for it aren’t good either, “2 Light Years Free Shipping” isn’t that impressive, you know.
From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is…common? Before that bald fuck came on his Blue Origin flight here with his buddies, we were just a peaceful alien planet taking joyrides on our UFOs. Did you know he brought COVID-19 to Mars? I know it’s old news for 40% of you guys, but we haven’t gotten the vaccine yet here. Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag.
The most frustrating thing about the whole situation is us aliens will never get to enjoy our golden years like Jeff is here. We’ve worked our whole lives. Before busting our balls babysitting Jeff, we were executing missions to kidnap humans from Earth. And it was a good living, every time someone saw a sighting or was abducted, the media paid us and it was nice. But during that time, we never got to get to know and spend time with the earthlings we’ve abducted. We’ve never gotten to touch their eyeballs and taste their hair and all that stuff. That time’s saved for our senior years, and at the pay rate Jeff’s paying out, I’ll never be able to retire. Not to mention we had to say goodbye to any leisure time and hobbies. My cousin Zenon, he actually used to collect antique UFOs, that was his big hobby and, of course, a big money sucker. He would go to UFO shows all over the galaxy. And he was just forced to sell his entire collection to some collectors on Venus because Jeff’s 401k offerings are jack shit.
Honestly, we’ve had it with Bezos. We’re going to vote to unionize to take our planet back. Unfortunately, we do have to whisper during our secret union meetings because we 100% think Alexa is listening to us. Zenon just got an ad for tentacle gloves he was dropping hints for a while now. Wish us luck that Big Bezos doesn’t shoot the polling boxes with an alien raygun.
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Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer and copywriter. He’s a graduate of The Second City Satire Writing Program. His work can be seen in Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, Funny-ish, and Flexx Mag.
