The Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Are Always Running Late

“I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear when I cry, ‘Get in the car, we were supposed to leave 20 minutes ago.’” –2 Nephi 33:3

---

“Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee to take the 405 instead of I-90 because the turnpike gets pretty backed up on weekends.” -Alma 37:37

---

“I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded right after taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and meal prepping for the entire week. ” -1 Nephi 3:7

---

“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” – 1 Nephi 15:8

---

“And it came to pass that he rent his coat; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it—Don’t oversleep again otherwise Deborah will be pissed.” -Alma 46:12

---

“For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts and mine angels round about you, to make sure you’re actually getting ready to leave and not watching another episode of Ozark.” -D&C 84:88

---

“And Alma cried, saying: How long shall we suffer these great afflictions, O Lord? O Lord, give us strength to get the kids to school before 7:45.” -Alma 14:25,26

---

“. . . the people that were in the land of Ammonihah . . . remained a hard hearted and a stiffnecked people; for they were always stuck in LA traffic.” -Alma 15:15

---

“…and when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk . . . He was two hours late for his 30 minute violin lesson.” -Alma 15:10-11

---

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy if he actually showed up for Trivia Night at 8 p.m. for once so they could get a table and wouldn’t have to sit at the bar, because everyone knows people who sit at the bar on Trivia Night have no idea what the fuck they’re doing.” -2 Nephi 2:25

---

“For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding, telling them that this it was their holy duty not to show up at such an ungodly hour, for He was sick and tired of having to make awkward small talk with Mary and Joseph about the weird weather in Nazareth.” -2 Nephi 31:3

---

“Therefore they did watch over their people, and did nourish them with things pertaining to righteousness and reading analog clocks.” -Mosiah 23:18