The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes
Hey guys, shut the fuck up! Don’t make me use the gavel. I know it looks like we have a lot on the agenda for tonight, but if we all stay focused, we can get through it so we can get to Hannigan’s for $2 wells afterwards, there’s no capacity limit. From looking at VirusRank this morning, our Delta strain was ranked top-tier of all mutations in the country, even above the Alpha variant! As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.
Moving on to Old Business, which includes our most recent superspreader event. As I’m sure you’ve all seen from this morning’s case counts, Lollapalooza was a success! Our Superspreader Chair, Brian, informed me that 100,000 unmasked individuals showed up to the festival, and we were able to infect nearly 75,000 of them, with 100% of infections benefiting the downfall of society. That’s a variant record! Keep up the great work with all these super spreader events, and let’s not lose the momentum we have going. Reminder that we have Pitchfork coming up too, and there are still open slots for those who can volunteer to infect Instagram influencers.
And now for New Business. As many of you know, recruitment is coming up in a few short weeks. Take a look around the room. You’ll probably notice hundreds of thousands of new faces, because this past year we’ve kicked ass and in all senses of the word, we’ve “won.” But we’re not done. If we want to win Virus Week this year, we’re going to have to keep recruiting cases. Brian, if you can grab a pen, we’re going to brainstorm some buzz words that describe our strain. How about, “contagious?” Devastating. Fatal. Great words, guys! Now, I want you all to keep this in mind as we’re choosing new victims. We want new cases to reflect our values in the way that they wreck havoc in the hospitals everyday.
Alright fellas, let’s move on to discussion and voting. Before the meeting, I asked a lot of you to suggest some new symptoms that we could release upon our arrival into the body. Now I’ll take the suggestions out of this hat of a guy who passed away recently to read them aloud. The most suggested symptom gets added to the official symptom list. Okay, hives, that’s great. Warts, kind of like hives, but fine. Guys, seeing lots of constipation in here, I like that—no mess! Come on, who put “make boobs bigger, hubba hubba” in here, grow up! Another vote for constipation…another one for constipation…Yahoo! Constipation wins!
Listen, I’m ready to read your member complaints. I’m seeing a lot of you guys are frustrated that people aren’t taking us seriously. We were all pissed when the vaccines came, but let’s sack up. Half the country isn’t buying that crap and even so, I’ve been super impressed by every single member here, even the pledges for attacking the vaccinated. The numbers are starting to look good for us, so let’s keep it up and don’t be pussies about it.
We got a big week ahead of us, boys. The CDC wants everyone to start wearing masks again, but as usual, just enter that little slit on the side. City mayors are starting to threaten that restrictions will return, but remember they always cave to capitalism so don’t sweat it. And guys, I’m begging you, please go to our social exchange with the Flu this week. I know they’re a little gross, but you have to be gentlemen. Meeting adjourned.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
