The Skipper Slaps Tariffs on the Other Gilligan’s Island Castaways

Skipper and Gilligan on island path

 

Gilligan: Hey Skipper, why are you building a tollgate on the path between our tent and the other castaways’ tents?

 

Skipper: This will allow us to impose a big, Beautiful 25% tariff on all their Trade with us. The Skipper is going to take back what was stolen from us by other castaways and, frankly, by incompetent Island Leadership.

 

Gilligan: What will a tariff do?

 

Skipper: We’re going to take back our Wealth, and we’re going to take back the coconut Cream pie Manufacturing capability that left our Glorious hut.

 

Gilligan: But the Professor designed that machine that automatically makes coconut cream behind the Howells’ tent, so you and I don’t have to do it by hand anymore.

 

Skipper: The Howells! They have stolen our Jobs, have ransacked our Factories, and have torn apart our once-beautiful Island Dream.

 

Gilligan: But what about the Professor, Mary Ann, and Ginger?

 

Skipper: We cannot pay the deficits of the Professor, Mary Anne, or Ginger. We used to do it. We can’t do it anymore. For decades, our Island has been looted, pillaged, raped and plundered by castaways near and far, both Friend and Foe alike.

 

Gilligan: Are you sure that this will work?

 

Skipper: Jobs and Factories will come roaring back into our island, and you see it happening already. We will Supercharge our Banana-Industrial Base.

 

Gilligan: Skipper, I don’t think the others are going to be happy about this.

 

Skipper: Little buddy, we are being very kind.  We will charge them approximately half of what they are and have been charging us. So how can anybody be upset?

 

————

 

All castaways except for Skipper seated around the dinner table.

 

Mr. Howell: We’ve got to do something about Skipper’s tariffs. The island’s palm-tree-leaf futures markets have gone down faster than Mrs. Howell downed martinis that year our horse only came in second in the Kentucky Derby.

 

Ginger: How do you explain it, Professor?

 

Professor: My analysis of the horse’s physiognomy indicated sub-par gait sequencing given its leg length.

 

Ginger: I meant the Skipper’s tariffs.

 

Professor: As a matter of trade or tax policy, the tariffs are nonsense. But as a psychological strategy of dominance and potential source of extortion, they can be highly effective.

 

Mary Anne: The Skipper surely must have some brilliant underlying economic rationale. Can the tariffs really be just about bullying people?

 

Close-up on Gilligan. Screen dissolves, then plays montage of the Skipper yelling at a cowering Gilligan, the Skipper threatening to punch Gilligan, the Skipper removing Gilligan’s hat to beat him on the head, and the Skipper chasing Gilligan around in a rage.

 

Ginger: No, it can’t be that. Such a big man must have a big… [purrs] brain.

 

All but Gilligan nod in agreement.

 

Professor: Mr. Howell, maybe you can convince the Skipper to stop this foolishness. He respects your acumen as a businessman.

 

Mr. Howell: I didn’t become the fabulously wealthy Thurstin Howell III by not knowing anything about business.

 

Mrs. Howell: How did you earn your fortune, dear?

 

Mr. Howell: The old-fashioned way, lovey: by inheriting it from Thurston Howell II!

 

————

 

Skipper and Mr. Howell, standing on opposite sides of Skipper’s gate.

 

Mr. Howell: Skipper, chap, these tariffs, perhaps as gentlemen, you and I can decide that enough’s enough.

 

Skipper: You Howells are the worst Offenders, cheating and pillaging the Skipper’s Banana-Industrial base and Threatening our beautiful Island Security. I’m lowering tariffs on the Other islanders to 10%, but raising your tariff to 80%!

 

Mr. Howell: This is an outrage! I declare tariffs on you, 100%!

 

Skipper: 110%!

 

Mr. Howell: 120%!

 

Skipper: 130%!

 

Skipper and Mr. Howell continue bickering as screen fades.

 

————

 

Gilligan and Skipper, on the beach

 

Gilligan: What are you going to do next, Skipper, now that no one else on the island is trading or even talking to us?

 

Skipper: I’m going to restrict access to this Beach, and build the most Beautiful and Luxurious resort anyone has ever seen. I will call it, Mar-A-Lagoon.

 

Gilligan: More like Mar-A-Big-Goon.

 

Skipper: Why, I’ll Mar-A-Big-Goon you, you little…!

 

Skipper grabs Gilligan’s hat, raises his own to beat Gilligan with it, and starts chasing Gilligan around the beach. Fade to ending credits.