The Trump Presidency, The First 100 Days

ObamaCare replaced by TrumpCare

(first-aid kit, bottle of off-brand whiskey, and a coat hanger).

Susan B. Anthony dollar coin discontinued because, in the words of Trump, “she was kind of a dog, quite frankly”. Replaced by the image of a topless Melania.

The body of a beaten and strangled to death Alec Baldwin is found nude, bound and gagged in the desert. “Look, I don’t know what you’re insinuating. Wonderful actor.” Trump later comments.

White House Lincoln bedroom closed to public, then redone as a gym for Melania. “Look, the guy was a loser, who died on the job.” Trump later explains.

Returned the favor to his most ardent supporters by arranging for them to receive indoor plumbing and electricity.

All remaining American newspapers replaced by Pravda. “You’ll like it, it’s a good paper.” Trump offered. “No funnies, but a pretty good Dear Abby type of advice column titled Attention, Comrade Vladlena.”

Manages to get something about “no fat chicks” added to the Pledge of Allegiance.

In an effort to turn over a new leaf, pledges to try and cut back on the number of his sexual assaults.

Changes his mind and decides that the illegal Mexican immigrants can stay in America, as long as they “please promise to turn down that crazy music a bit”.

Moves the White House to Nevada, has it painted gold.

Dismisses his Secret Service security detail, seeing as his followers have most of the guns anyway.

Hires a body-double to publicly say nice things about different ethnic groups without cringing and/or throwing up.

Now that his usefulness has been exhausted (ie, managing to get the conservative Christian vote), Mike Pence is hobbled and chained to the water heater in the White House basement.

After several frustrating public incidents, had Melania’s vocal chords frozen.

Adds several pageant-type of events to the Olympics. Also, no more one piece bathing suits for the competing ladies; two piece only, preferably thong-style.

Publicly chastises both of his sons for continually hunting and killing the official White House pets.

Hires the Girls Gone Wild guy to handle the White House holiday portrait photos.