The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!

Hello, Uber eats? Is this Uber eats? Daddy needs onion rings and a large strawberry shake, pronto!

Do you like me? Check in the box marked “yes” if you do, and if no, please don’t reply.

Does anyone out there have season three of Entourage on dvd? The jackasses on Ebay are asking ridiculous amounts.

Listen, if you have any sexual qualms with me or any of my political buddies, could you please just text me your complaints and leave the fake news out of it? I’m sure that we can work something out. Do you have large dogs?

Hey, u still up?

Seriously, what was it about Obama that was so great? I mean, really, be honest, can you tell me?

Does anyone know of any places that will deliver several pizzas quickly at 4:30 in the morning?

Hi, it’s me, President Trump! Would you please text me pics of your boobs? Thx!!!

I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3… 2… 1…. Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, ‘kay?

How would a person remove their thumb from one of those happy meal Star Wars toys? The sand-speeder thing? It’s, like, really, really stuck. I’ve tried using the barbecue dipping sauce, but that isn’t working.